By Troy Brownfield

Victory and Stuff...

I'm not sure if I've made it abundantly clear in the last few years, but let me elaborate on one point: I fucking hate the L.A. Lakers. Maybe it's because I grew up watching Larry. Maybe it's because they've always had a showboat Hollywood attitude. But I can safely say that I hated them more than ever this year for two reasons: sports analysts wondered if they were "America's team", they acted like they were entitled to the trophy, and Kobe's a scumbag. Wait, that's THREE reasons...I'll come back again.

On the "America's Team" thing: that grew out of an article at ESPN.com and discussions on PTI. I've made it a practice for my entire life to hate teams that designate themselves "America's Team". Only one team can lay claim to that: the U.S. Olympic Team. Everybody else is a jackass trying to sell hats. I didn't take it from the Cowboys, I didn't take it from the Braves, and I won't take it from the friggin' Lakers.

I also felt that they earned an automatic check in the hate column when Malone and Payton took pay cuts to "get rings". The broad arrogance therein is stunning. While I hate to see a good player injured, as Malone was, I delighted in Payton's inability to do anything right in the playoffs. The whole "join to get a ring" or Yankee-style "buy a team" thing always makes me sick.

And then there's Kobe. Regardless of whether or not he's found guilty of rape, he still abused his position to nail that girl. He cheated on his wife, he lied about it, and only told the truth when DNA evidence came into the equation. I was nauseated by the repeated refrain from Shaq, Jackson and other teammates, opining on how brave he was. That's right; he bravely screwed a young girl while his wife and baby were in another state. He bravely lied to his wife about it. He bravely came out and told the truth AFTER the evidence came in. He's so fearless, the JLA must be calling. Actually, what we have here is another case of people worshipping an athlete who's all too human. And as it turns out, not a very good human at that.

So the Lakers lost, the team will likely disband, and Kobe may go to jail. I'd tack on a final statement, but we all know that no one but Nelson from The Simpsons could put in proper perspective: HA-ha.

The Foul Fan: Let's try something new. Next time you're at the ballpark and you see some jerk-off plow down a kid trying to catch a foul ball, don't throw food at him. Pull up your chair and hit him with it. The super-ironic thing? That guy was a YOUTH MINISTER! Guess he doesn't follow the Golden Infield Fly Rule.

James Joyce's Ulysses: The literary minded celebrated the 100th anniversary of the day that is documented by protagonist Leopold Bloom as he walks around Dublin in the classic of Irish literature. No one quoted on the news mentioned that it's a boring, nearly unreadable tome that you're "supposed" to like if you wish to be considered an academic. Honestly, if I want to read about bowel movements and masturbation, Hustler takes less time.

Clinton's Book: Bill Clinton's nearly 1,000 page book on his life hits stores next week. Honestly, if I want to read about bowel movements and masturbation, Hustler takes less time.

American Idol Shocker!: Poncy Idol host Ryan Seacrest admitted in an interview that Simon Cowell is "pompous". In a related story, it was also announced that the Earth is round, McDonald's food might make you fat, and Anna Nicole Smith has fake tits. Stay tuned to your local news for a stunning revelation about the Fab Five. I also heard the Rumsfeld may have lied to the Red Cross by covering up the location of an Iraqi prisoner. Both Claude Rains and I are shocked, shocked to find gambling going on in this establishment.

1,2,3,4 No More: The horribly sad news came out this week that Johnny Ramone is losing his struggle with cancer. When he passes, he will be the third of the original Ramones to have died since 2001. It's made even more sad by all the shitty young fake punk bands that are urinating on their legacy. The Ramones were innovators that built a legend on wit, aggression, and style. Nobody else will ever come close.

Britney is Lame: Britney Spears had to cancel her tour because of a knee injury. God forbid she actually sit down and sing. Really, aren't her extended fifteen minutes almost up? The former teen-queen crown is pretty much divvied up now, isn't it? I mean, Christina is the serious singer, Mandy is the actress, Jessica is the "American sweetheart", and late-comers Ashlee, Avril and Hillary have taken on the "young rocker chick" thing. If you want to watch a hot singer shake it, there's always the impending return of Shakira and the continued ascent of Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas (who is shockingly, a chick with a great body who can actually sing). For a preview of what we're in for with Britney in the next few years, check out Tiffany's Playboy spread and Courtney Love's legal woes. I'm guessing that Britney will fall somewhere in between, and it will be more enjoyable than her last couple of records.

Sex and The City on TBS: Really, what's the point? If you're too much of a baby to have watched the unedited version either on HBO or on DVD, you probably won't be able to handle whatever's left in either. Seriously, this is why I don't watch theatrical movies on broadcast stations. Ever since ABC completely destroyed Stand By Me, I haven't wasted my time. I know that the filmed alternate Sex scenes for broadcast, but I can't help but feel like that's a lame cash grab. The show was for adults. Let it stay that way.

The "This is Me Giving a Crap" File: Madonna has now taken on the Hebrew name of Esther. She now plans to go over to Outkast's house and call them Fred and Lamont until the Ghost of Grady comes in and kicks her out.

I Saw Greg...: The Center for Disease Control says that fewer youngsters are smoking. This is actually a cover-up for the fact that fewer kids are getting caught smoking, and more kids have figured out to check the "No" box on the smoking survey. Expect a sharp rise in teenage virginity among young women and a sharp drop among young men.

Senate Votes to Expand Army: The Senate has voted to expand the Army by 20,000 troops to relieve the pressure of Iraq and other engagements. Nowhere do I see where they're getting those troops. I could vote to add a stripper pole to my bedroom with a surgically-created double of Sarah Michelle Gellar to man it, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Besides, my wife somehow got veto power over all whoring. Damn the law!

The 9/11 Commission: I have nothing to say about the timeline except that I hope this report and the impending release of the Moore film cause some real, lasting, positive change.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com

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