By Troy Brownfield

Anything happening in the world? Didn't think so.

War and Peace: At this point, it seems that it's all over but the shouting, recriminations, humanitarian relief, and talk show diatribes. The English-Speaking Coalition went, saw, and conquered. No one's found conclusive proof of WMDs yet, and no one's really found around 55 major Iraqi leaders, but the main war seems to be over.

So what have we learned, Charlie Brown? Here's my take:

I was initially against any military action, simply based on the principal that war, in general, is bad. If you think that war, in general, is good, then you are, in general, an idiot. Our country is far too trigger happy; visit our high schools if you don't believe me.

However, I'm also of the considered opinion that military action, if taken, should be swift and decisive. Apparently, we've done that. It also looks like, in a move that anyone with a clue anticipated, that we're now rattling the sabre at Syria. With all that in mind, here's a few observations and questions I have. I'm no expert. I'm just rolling out the dialogue.

• Isn't it funny how France, Germany and Russia were TOTALLY against the war until the U.S. kicked ass in three weeks? France even released a statement to congratulate the speed of victory. Now all three countries want a role in rebuilding and running Iraq. Could it be that the reason they want in NOW is the same reason that they DIDN'T want to fight, which is the potential financial gain that they stood to accrue by dealing with a country that the U.S. and U.K. wouldn't have previously dealt with? I know I use this metaphor a lot, but doesn't that all smack of Little Red Hen Syndrome? (LRHS=the other shits won't help you bake, but want to eat)
  
  
• I'm not surprised in the slightest that we're giving the "Were you looking at my girl?" routine to Syria. I suppose that, flush with victory and using the flimiest of excuses, Bush might be able to urge the country to oust a second predominatly Muslim regime. Of course, it would help that Syria doesn't have nuclear weapons. Of course again, North Korea might not have nuclear weapons yet either; they just have a million soldiers.
  
  
• This one will get me hate mail. If the tacit argument of overthrowing these regimes is that Weapons of Mass Destruction are bad, and religious fanatics in government are bad, when is Bush going to overthrow himself? Maybe the whole pretzel incident was a passive-aggressive admission of guilt.
  
  
• Frankly, I'm all for kicking out dictators that torture their own people and preach holy war against those that are different. And I'm willing to believe that the U.S. always does the right thing as long as the next country we topple doesn't have any fucking oil. I guess that's why we didn't try to save too many people in Rwanda; we've got concrete. (Too obscure? According to the Holt, Winehart and Winston World Atlas, that's their major industry. Concrete. And you thought your job sucked)
  
  
• I have to admit that I was surprised to see how some Iraqis readily embraced the arrival of our troops. Then I paused to consider: you have one guy offering you torture and starvation, and you have another guy offering you blue jeans, the WWE, and porn. Who would you go with? USA! indeed.
  
  
• Going back to beating up on fundamentalists, if we agree that fundamentalists are a danger to democracy, can the SEALs storm the headquarters of the Parents Television Council? What are those guys smoking, and is it cheap?
  
  
• If you're Syria, aren't you pissing yourself right about now? And if you're Bin Laden, how do you feel? I mean, the guy has gone from like Public Enemy #1 to equal celebrity status with the first person voted out of Survivor:Africa. Don't you think that he feels a little bit like that girl that has lots of friends but didn't get asked to the prom? And doesn't it unnerve you knowing that he's just out there, hanging around in that metaphorical high school parking lot, smoking on campus grounds and listening to W.A.S.P. while plotting his next fight? Then again, he could be pissing himself in Syria. Maybe invading's a good thing! (See how it works!)
  
  
• Here's a totally insane fucking idea. Why don't we bring in the U.N. and split Iraq into three parts? We give one section to the Kurds, we give the biggest chunk to the Iraqis, and we make the rest an official Palestinian homeland? Would that solve some problems? Probably not. All right then; once we take over Syria, we'll make THAT the Palestinian homeland, and give a third of Iraq to the Kurds, and two-thirds to the rest of the people. Still too out there? How about we just ask Israel to give back the West Bank, which they said that they might do this week, convert portions of the area into the new Palestinian homeland, rebuild most of Iraq as a beautiful monument to the Cradle of Civilization that it is, and give portions of Northern Iraq to the Kurds, who it should really belong to? There. Does that work? Of course, my vain hope is that humanity will just say to hell with "sacred places" and advance into the future without this dogged attachment to spiritual doctrines that lead to continual strife. You know why I know that's a vain hope? A guy just got stoned to death for witchcraft in friggin' Mexico.

Ah well. That's a few free-floating ideas. Feel free to discuss.

It's the Taxman: Unless you're the CEO of a major corporation, a politician, or a bong-hittin' country crooner, your papers are due today. I advise you to take a small portion of your return, reinvest it into the cash flow and support the First Amendment by making a purchase from our sponsor. ShotgunReviews.com: We Help the Ecomony.

The NBA Playoffs: I know some guys are really into the NCAA tournament, but I prefer the NBA playoffs. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because the teams don't get suspended when they pay their players. Who knows? Still, this one could be fun down the stretch. The Pacers face the hated Knicks and the Nets in their final two regular games before rolling into the first round. With the recent addition of Tim "What is Love?" Hardaway, I have a good feeling. Of course, I had a good feeling about the Colts for two years in a row too.

The BOB: Speaking of first round action, Samsell, that righteous Britpop act made up of our webmaster/music guru Shawn Delaney, occaosional TV writer Mikey Daubs, John Elder and Dave McKinney, will be performing in the Indianapolis Battle of the Bands on Wednesday, April 23rd at The Patio in Broad Ripple. For those not in the know, Indianapolis has a sprawling music scene. This BOB has 114 bands entered and will take months to complete. The final night, featuring the last seven acts, won't happen until August at Indy's storied The Vogue. If you can't make it there, show our boys some love by listening to some of their tracks here. The gang also performs with seminal underground act The Frogs this week. Cool, eh?

There we go. Another column down and not one mention about shagging Sarah Michelle Gellar rotten. Oh, damn. Better luck next time, I guess.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. For some insight into some classic films, look at FilmChaw. Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com

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