By Troy Brownfield
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Cloning
Grace Park the low-tech way (as shown in Maxim)).
Copyright Maxim Magazine and Maximonline.com,
2005
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4.04.05
Man, there is a ton of really relevant stuff going on in the news. So let's go with the other crap.
They Shot Marvin in the Face!!: Okay, so they didn't. But a bunch of kids are alleging that Marvin Harrison, WR of the Indianapolis Colts, choked out an autograph seeking friend in Hawaii over Pro-Bowl weekend. This is EXACTLY what Indianapolis sports needed. After Edge holding out for more bucks and declining franchise status, after the constant imbroglio over the new stadium and gambling, and after the friggin' Detroit brawl that they're still showing on TV, we get this. What next? Reggie Miller drowning puppies? Peyton Manning attacking an old lady after she taunts him with the “Cut that meat!” chant? Guys, when people knock us as a second-class sports city, it doesn't mean you have to act like the asshole players that have overpopulated Dallas and D.C. Shut your mouths, sign some ‘graphs, do your jobs, and win some friggin' titles, okay?
Explaining the Above Title: Yeah, that's a line from Pulp Fiction , but it's also one of my standard Game Lines. You all have Game Lines. The stuff you yell when certain players are mentioned. I have a few favorites . . .
James Mungro, Colts RB: Mungro just pawn in game of football. (Cultural reference point: Blazing Saddles)
Cordell Stewart, or any Cordell: Cordell, get in there and punt! (Reference to old commercial, playing on the RB/QBs versatility).
Any Player Knocked Unconscious: “I'm Batman!” (Goes back to an old Snickers commercial, wherein a plowed QB correctly identifies the field and the coach, but announces himself as Batman. Ended with QB asking linebacker, “Would you like to ride, citizen? Would you like to ride with Batman?”)
Any White Guy Dunking: BIRD DUNKS!! (Old beer commercial wherein two fans un-retire Larry Bird with the power of beer. Bird emerges from the crowd in uni to dominate the game, ending with the seemingly improbable “Bird dunks!!” Funny this is, Bird was so tall, he could dunk.)
Reggie Miller Shooting the Lights Out (two): 1) Where's Spike? (the great Spike Lee/Knicks choke game) And 2) Over the bridge, nothing but net! (From the McD's Bird/Jordan commercial about their shooting prowess.)
My favorite obscure tennis/Farscape reference: “MOYA'S IN TROUBLE!!!” (while wildly flailing arms).
And of course . . . PITTSNOGLE!!!!! To be shouted during every West Virginia game in honor of tattooed, three-pointing shooting giant freak of nature Kevin Pittsnogle, who famously drove The Common's Steve Hayes to ask, “What holler did they drag THAT guy out of?”
House Language: Have you heard of Fox's hit medical show House , the one that features a lead who's a misanthrope? I know he's a misanthrope because every review ever written of the show tells me that he's a misanthrope. Or a misanthropic doctor. Or a misanthropic misanthrope doctor who behaves misanthropically. The phenomenon of word overuse in relation to a show is nothing new; I challenge you to find a review of The L Word that doesn't tout the word “Sapphic” as if it were the be-all, end-all of lesbianic description. But come on already, enough with misanthrope and House . Whatever happened to “asshole”?
Tourette's Question: This came up at school the other day. If you have Tourette's and you were raised in an environment without swearing, what do you say when you have an outburst? Do you fixate on everyday objects? Do you suddenly shout “German Chocolate Cake! German Chocolate Cake!” and then go back to what you were doing? What about the Amish? “Horse and buggy! Horse and buggy!” I'd really like to know.
Irony Writ Large: The Pope dies on the weekend wherein Sin City is the number one movie at the box office.
Baseball Begins: Our national pastime returns. Take that, Canada !!
The Canadian Response: Your dollar sucks! Take that, America !!
The American Response to the Canadian Response: Damn, we need to feel good about ourselves . . . let's bomb something!!
The Syrian Response: Dude, I'm telling you. It wasn't us.
All Right, All Right . . .: Fine, I'll talk Schiavo.
You're all my witnesses. I NEVER want to be kept perpetually alive in that kind of state. Never, ever, ever. In fact, my guidelines are basically “Can't read, can't walk, can't think, can't talk . . .smoke my lame ass.” The words “ Persistent Vegetative State ” are pretty definitive, even if you can pay off a doctor to say otherwise without having examined the patient. Believe me folks, there ain't no coming back from that one. Coma? Possible. Brain damage? Still possible? Fifteen years of mental atrophy after a cataclysmic brain event? Uh, no.
I think the real shame of the Schiavo thing is how her parents couldn't grasp that their daughter might have actually had different wishes than they did. I know with absolute certainty that my wife knows me better than my parents, and how dare anyone insist otherwise. And for those who still think that this might have been about money, check the facts; Michael Schiavo was awarded money many years ago. He just wanted his wife to have some peace.
Instead, pictures of her bloated body, bereft of her consciousness, were splattered across the world for half-a-decade while her parents threw one of the biggest public fits in recent memory. The only thing worse than some of the things they said about their son-in-law was that Congress put a bizarre seal of approval on their misery by ignoring the law, history, and the precepts of their own majority's political party to try to ram home their own morality. The one comfort in that is that there's not viable Republican candidate left to succeed Bush in '08. (And no, I don't want Hillary; I want an Evan Bayh/Barack Obama ticket).
The one bit of consolation is that Terry Schiavo quit feeling a loooong time ago. She wasn't aware of the pain or the circus, and I'm utterly convinced that her husband did the right thing by letting her go. If I'm in the PV-state, I want out. Give Becky and Connor the insurance, and hang me up and beat me like a piñata for all I care. I won't be feeling it.
American Idol Violence!!: Apparently, one of the Idol contestants once threw a phone at his girlfriend. I once threw my remote at the TV because it wouldn't get off Idol fast enough.
The new Battlestar Galactica: Was initially put off by big changes. Eating original opinion now. This show is tremendous. What a great season finale, enhanced by a classic fistfight, big revelations, that shocker ending, and a screenful of naked Grace Park clones. Yay, Sci-Fi!
Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews.
Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com
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