"More single... than yesterday..."

Dealing with it: There's been a lot of talk on the news and all public quarters lately about how "we" need to deal with the terrorist problem. Obviously, the Bush administration has identified the targets that they believe need to be addressed. Some channels we're taking, such as Cheney's recent visit to the Middle East, are diplomatic. On the other hand, we're still discussing the concept of military force and rattling the nuclear saber as a potential form of deterrence.

Here's my problem with that: invoking the specter of nuclear apocalypse doesn't exactly brighten my day. True, the idea of a massive exchange kept Hot War off the table during the Cold War, but times are a little different. There are unquestionably people out there who would think nothing of setting off a device on American soil. What then, do we do to address this in a way that makes foreign heads of state think twice about looking the other way or supporting terror groups? What's the first thing that we need to do?

Honestly? We need to get someone close enough, and pop Saddam Hussein. No big invasion. No massive display of force. No nukes. Just some Black Ops with their groove on and the urgent desire to liquefy the gray matter of one of history's biggest bastards. One of our operatives needs to get in range, tweak the crosshairs, and put a bullet in his fucking head.

Why? Here's reasons.

#1: He's a dick. And I don't mean snaps you with a towel in gym class or starts rumors that you sleep with a teddy bear kind of dick. He's an invades-smaller-countries-for-their-oil, tests-chemical-weapons-on-his-country's-minorities kind of dick. A guy like that doesn't need a military at his disposal, a country under his control, or any TV time. He needs 9mm of steel and lead resting comfortably in his skull.

#2: That would be an example. You don't think so? What country wouldn't think twice? Just tell their leaders, "Oh, you harbored terrorists? Well, I'll tell you what. We won't hurt your borders, your airports, your economy, your friends, your family, or your dog. We'll just walk a guy up to you, put a muzzle against your fucking forehead, and squeeze till all anyone in the vicinity hears is abject shock, stifled screams, and the empty clicking." I'm of the considered opinion that men in power care about three things: their money, their dicks, and their lives. It's harder to take a guy's money and his dick, so letting the other countries know that you're ready to splatter one guy just to make a point might be cause for them to step-up those hard-target terrorist searches.

#3: The guy who succeeds Saddam would have some grounds for thought wouldn't he? Seriously, if you got your position only because the guy ahead of you got dropped like a sheet of acid at a Phish show, you'd do whatever you could to keep your melon in place.

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't solve the problem of rogue terror cells operating without larger funding, but aside from Tim McVeigh's type of crew, name one international terror cell that doesn't get money or aid from some official group. It might actually kick somebody into gear, and might actually serve as some kind of warning.

And don't lecture me about how the U.S. can't play the world's policeman. Back in 1776, no one wanted to play the big Irish cop on the street corner of the world. We've ended up with this role. No one in Europe (except Germany) really bitched in 1917 when we showed up to help end World War I. No one in Europe (except Germany, again, and later Japan) really bitched when we showed up in World War II. It seems that for a country that takes a lot of heat for getting involved, we're asked to get involved a whole friggin' lot.

Maybe we've been cozy with Israel for a long time and that bugged people. Maybe our presence in the Gulf War pissed some people off. Or maybe they just don't like that we have cable and let our women go to school. For whatever reason, the fact of the matter is that the neighborhood bullies decided to break some windows and somebody's gotta take 'em down. We might have pounded one of the flunkies, but there's a whole gang out there, and it ain't gonna stop until either a) everybody's gotten their asses handed back to them, or b) enough asses have been handed back to make the rest of the bullies get the God damn point.

Perhaps whacking a head of state isn't the way to go. I don't think that kicking off a game of nuclear beach volleyball does anybody but the roaches much good either. All I'm saying is that somebody made this our fight, and we should be willing to get our hands dirty. Our history hasn't exactly been perfect, considering little things like Salem, slavery, and what was done to the Native Americans. I don't think dropping a dictator or two is going to reduce us to time's greatest villains. Hell, it might even do something crazy, like spur some reform or internal policing that will, in the end, save the lives of our soldiers and their civilians. Not really a bad trade when you think about it.

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke Got Beat, Beat, Beat: Mike Davis rules. Stuck with the unenviable task of being the interim coach after Bob Knight was dismissed from I.U., he proved himself to be an effective leader. Now, in his first full year as head coach, he's led his team to the dramatic one-point overthrow of uber-fave Duke. Until then, Duke hadn't lost a game in the tourney since 2000. That's fairly remarkable. By the way, how did Texas Tech do in round one? (Okay, cheap shot at the real Mr. Dennehey, but still, we Indiana residents have to take our victories where we can get them, considering that the Colts have become punk-asses, Isiah Thomas is making me doubt that he could coach at the Boys Club, and the Ice aren't exactly skating to stunning glory).

Stupid White Men: I rarely recommend books site unseen, but definitely check out Michael Moore's latest, "Stupid White Men". If you've been dozing, Moore has spent the last thirteen years or so serving as the conscience of America. His documentaries, TV series, and books look at how the regular guy keeps getting screwed. Moore's current crusade is to bust the myth of Bush's approval rating; in fact, he was addressing Enron in his manuscript before the story became an everyday news concern. Learn more at www.michaelmoore.com.

Britney and Justin: Since when did it become acceptable for the nightly news to report on whether teeny-bopper pop stars have broken up? I mean, okay, Britney flat-out admitted in an interview that she's single now. Great. Fine. Whatever. Just what makes it news? I will officially care that Britney is single if: a) my wife and I ever split up and Britney decides that she can't live without a man who collects comic books and writes smarmy reviews, needing to spend hours a day drunkenly wiggling naked on my lap while apologizing for her crappy music and telling me over and over that yes, Bob Mould damn sure should have sold more records, b) this means that she'll do Playboy now, or c) well, a and b really.

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