By Troy Brownfield

Look! An actual "shotgun" style column!

The War: Well, we did it. Here's my two-and-a-half cents: It's totally possible to be of two minds on a subject. As an American citizen exercising my First Amendment rights, I had doubts about engaging in armed conflict in Iraq. There were, and are, many unquantifiables about the whole enterprise.

At this juncture, with men and women in peril, I have to say that I hope they use all possible force at their disposal to quickly win the war, stem the loss of human life, and get the hell out of Dodge. Oh, I'm sorry; Al-Dodgsira

People have a tendency to observe this issue in black and white. Unfortunately, the whole thing is very, very gray. Do I think that Bush is a good president? No. Do I have heartfelt support for the young people fighting? Yes. Do I want civilian casualities? No. Do I want to see Americans coming home in bags? No. War, by nature, is divisive. I sense that popular opinion will sway a bit more toward the "in favor" side once people realize that the 6,000 chemical hazard suits found today in an Iraqi hospital weren't exactly intended for a big prank. Well, at least not a fun one.

Then again, bouncing back to the dark side, it was revealed that the United States has counted their chickens and granted first oil rights in post-war Iraq to . . . wait for it . . . Halliburton. If that seems familiar, it's because the CEO of said company right up until the 2000 election was one Dick Cheney. If that doesn't smell fishy, you've never smelled fish. To recap: Adrien Brody kissing Halle Berry=cool; the Bush administration fellating Halliburton=not cool.

No matter what happens, no matter how many lives are saved, no matter how many weapons of mass destruction are found or revealed, and no matter how well any new government in Iraq takes, that simple little oil contract will stain this thing forever. Any legitimate argument is automatically undermined. I'm not saying that it's all totally underhanded; I'm not saying that I can pull gold out of my ass either.

The Oscars: Briefly . . . Steve Martin brought the funny. Brody's reaction, kiss and speech were all brilliant; for the moment, he stands next to Bruce Campbell on the Pillar of The Heroic Male. Nicole Kidman's reaction seemed sweet and heartfelt. Catherine Zeta-Jones had guts singing and accepting, considering she's about to be with child (note to Michael Douglas: we get it, you're a rockin' Alpha Male; can you leave her alone for a couple of months so she can play Wonder Woman? Thanks.). Chris Cooper is good in anything. THANK GOD "Spirited Away" won; I also got a chuckle out of a trophy for Eminem. The whole Polanski thing is a tad creepy, even if he does make remarkable films (hey, I still love "The Fearless Vampire Killers").

And now a word about "Chicago". Frankly, I could give a shit about Bob Fossey. I'm not into musicals. Never have been. The few "musicals" I like (The Commitments, This is Spinal Tap, Hedwig, etc.) all have a fundament of story that exists without being stage-y; the MUSIC serves the story. The story is never a device to just get to the next song. I'll get people shouting me down, but I really don't care. I'm entitled to my opinion: to hell with Broadway. It's a rarified, archaic form of expression that somehow rates a whole section in Entertainment Weekly when less than 1% of the nation has access to it, while comics (which deliver iconic entertainment nationwide and serve as a direct or indirect basis for no less than four currently running TV series and about a movie every month) get relegated to one section every six weeks or so. It's bullshit. I'm sure the people involved all did a fine job and all that. However, you'll have about as much luck getting me to see that as you will "Boat Trip".

The Bastards Are Taking My TV Away: Not literally, mind you. It's not as if repo men are banging on the door demanding that my Samsung be returned to HH Gregg. Rather, the networks are all conspiring to turn TV into one vast wasteland of reality crap, limp sitcoms, and turgid dramas. Let's do the list:

Buffy: Okay, at least Buffy is ending of its own volition. Still, it's a great show, and it's loss is made greater by the loss of . . .

Farscape: The victim of one of the biggest screwings in TV history. Go here for details.

Birds of Prey: All right, so this wasn't a great show, mainly because there was too much tinkering with the core comics concept. If they'd just stuck with Dina Meyer (GREAT as Oracle) and Lori Laughlin (who did a terrific Black Canary in one episode) like the comic does, left out the hybrid Earth-2 Huntress and "young Dinah", this would still be around.

[Sidenote: Based on the first couple of episodes of the show, I'm actually dumbfounded that the WB didn't just say "Hell with it" and make a Batman TV show in the dark style. Consider: there are several TV actors with the proper gravitas for the role who would be affordable (daytime actor Robert Kelker Kelly springs to mind), plus they could have stuck with Meyer as Oracle, and tossed in guys like Eli Marienthal as the Tim Drake Robin, Michelle Krusiec as the current-style Batgirl, and hell, Chris O'Donnell as Nightwing, since he's not really doing much in the movie field these days. The show could have been an actor's smorgasboard the way that the 60s show was, only in a GOOD way; imagine the guys who would line up for one shot at a well-written arc for Two-Face or The Scarecrow or Bane. Hell man, Rutger Hauer as Deathstroke the Terminator! WB could have pumped funds into this and watched the cash cow take off like a fucking rocket. Instead, they'd rather bounce around movie concepts that don't fly instead of going TV and sewing up syndication, DVDs, toys, and tons of other merchandise. A boat missed. Any producer who says the show would have been too cost-prohibitive didn't read Greg Rucka's run on Detective. In fact, they could have rode the show a couple of years, then launched the whole thing into a new movie franchise by delaying the introduction of The Joker or Ra's Al Guhl until an actual film. *sigh*]

Firefly: Killed way too early by a network too eager to dump a show that was too smart for the audience that they'd poisoned with the stupidity of their other shows.

Angel: While it's not certain that Angel is gone, WB just renewed Charmed (the crappiest fantasy show on TV), Everwood (at least the kid is into comics and anime), Gilmore Girls (admittedly good), Reba (UGH), 7th Heaven (pablum has its place) and Smallville (which is a solid show, but its long-standing emphasis on "midwestern family values" actually accidentally makes the young Superman show embraceable by Bushites. Yeesh.) without renewing it. At least Angel gets to appear on Buffy's last episode if this is the end.

And that's not all. Next year, "The Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" are drawing to their own conclusions. At this point, all that's left for sure for someone with my tastes are FX's uncompromising "The Shield", "Smallville", "24", and "Alias". In the past couple of years, there was a lot written about how this was a new golden age for TV. Anyone notice where all the good shows have gone? Guess not; I suppose everyone was too busy watching "The Bachelorette".

That Darn Catwoman: This has been a bit of a tempest-in-a-teapot on fanboy message boards for a bit. There's a treatment for a Catwoman film floating around, and apparently, Halle Berry is tapped to star in it. Okay, there's a bit of disconnect there. I would have more readily cast Gina Gershon, but that's just me. If the script were to be based on the great new comic series by Brubaker, Cooke and Allred (which was highly endorsed to me by Corey Henson of ADV; shout-out to my homies), then I'd be all for it. HOWEVER, the script apparently has nothing to do with Selina Kyle as Catwoman, but rather a whole other character and idea with just the name. Let's recap: "Spider-Man" becomes the biggest grossing movie ever by staying true to the idea. "X-Men" is fairly close, and it's a big hit with a sequel. "Daredevil" is REALLY close, and has two spin-off films in the bag. And we learn what? Taking the character and completely altering everything about it makes the movie better how? Whatever. At least Halle isn't as awful as the rumor I heard about Vin Diesel playing The Flash. Jesus Christ! If that happens, it proves two things: there is a God, and He's fucking with me.

Later kids.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. And for the idiots that will surely email me, yes, yes, yes, Halle Berry is hot. She's a piece of ass. I get it. She's just not MY image of Catwoman. She's fine as Storm, she'd be a good Misty Knight in an Iron Fist flick, and she'd be cool as four or five other characters I could think of, but she just doesn't typify my vision of the modern version of Catwoman as she exists in the comics. And just for the record, Lara Flynn Boyle ain't my idea of Lois Lane either. Yeeeesh. Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com

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