By Troy Brownfield
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"Why can't I quit you?
Photo from AP; used under fair use for parody
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3.15.06
After an enormous period of inactivity, we're gearing up to run a revived and revamped ShotgunReviews.com. And I feel like I should explain.
Over time, we've had a series of personal and professional moves that have significantly altered the Shotgun status quo. When we started in 1999 (yes, 1999), we were all of us in our early to mid 20s, childless, and largely working crappy jobs that we fled from as soon as the end of the day arrived to hit bars and clubs (and occasionally, one another) as often as possible. As things progressed, the team changed, priorities changed, and this site that we basically worked on for free (although it did net us numerous opportunities) kind of fell by the wayside.
Flash-forward to 2005, which signified the greatest year of change that most of us have experienced. My son Connor was born in January, followed soon thereafter by the births of daughters to both Lyrical Lounge editor Jonathan Birdsong and our recently returned Rasslin' Ring guy Russ Ray. In a less baby-oriented, but no less seismic shift, our webmaster and Shoe's Music writer Shawn Delaney (and his wife Heather, herself a longtime designer for the site) moved to Seattle .
Needless to say, shit's changed.
For over a year now, I've had the good fortune to run a comics review column at Newsarama.com under the aegis of Best Shots. It joined the previous columns that I do there, Your Manga Minute and Super-Articulate. On Best Shots, I'm joined by Shotgun regulars O.J. Flow and Corey Henson, and a parade of gifted writers that includes J. Caleb Mozzocco, Koben Kelly, Michael C. Lorah, Jeff Marsick, Richard Renteria, and the lovely Sarah Jaffe (and that's how you know I'm a class guy; she would describe her rack, but I chose to say “lovely”). In many ways, that's kept the Shotgun banner literally and figuratively rolling. Also, Shawn, Jonathan, and Eric Barker, he of mighty movie reviews, have kept posting consistently, accompanied by occasional bursts from myself, Corey, O.J. and Russ.
And while we'll still be doing things at Newsarama and elsewhere, the time has come to turn our attention back here. I believe that this site fills a good niche, and I believe that there is an audience for the kind of work that we do here. And on that score, it's time to make this more of a regular thing again, and to remind people why we got invited to do the other big gigs in the first place.
So, with that . . . let's do this one Shotgun Style . . . music first . . .
James Blunt: Okay, so it's a harmless song. Okay, so it's a fine song that sounds a lot like Rod Stewart and thieves the intro bars from the “Theme from Love Story”. But I swear, I have never come so close to lactating as when I hear this song. Very few tracks are so outright candy-assed (except possibly, with a nod to Thurston Moore, Motley Crue's cover of “Anarchy in the U.K. ”). If there is a sudden outbreak of men spontaneously growing ovaries, it will be directly tied to the ubiquitous presence of this song.
Beyonce: Wait . . . Beyonce felt the need to do a song telling us to check out her ass? Is Jay-Z not taking care of his woman? All right, I apologize . . . Izzo Jay-Z not taking care of hizzo woman?
Black-Eyed Peas: My only regret about not writing much at all last year is that I didn't get to go on and on about how much I hated “My Humps”. Quite possibly the most inexplicably popular song in human history, giving even The Spice Girls' “Wannabe” a run for its money, it was so hook-free that I wondered if a post-Vs. Eddie Vedder wrote it.
Britney: You can take the girl out of the white trash, but you can't take the white trash out of the girl's vagina.
Christina: Who would have thought that she'd turn out to be the classy one?
Ray and Walk The Line: So I guess once you get a movie made about you, everyone is a fan. Dear Sweet God, if you are indeed there, please never let the Starland Vocal Band film come to pass.
And with that, we're at movies . . .
Brokeback Mountain : I will distinguish myself by not making a joke. I find it ironic that as soon as “Brokeback” lost Best Picture, people were screaming that it was because of anti-gay bias. Riiiiight. Anti-gay bias in Hollywood after the film already won a treasure chest of awards and garnered a number of nominations, not to mention delivering a win for Phillip Seymour Hoffman as a gay man and a nod for Felicity Huffman as a transgendered person. Why can't we all just admit that Hollywood 's racial guilt exceeds its homosexual guilt, and that's why “Crash” won?
(And for those who are sure to be confused by the above: I am not anti-gay; I am simply pointing out the irony inherent in positing a scenario that is patently untrue in the least likely environment that it could be true. I'm still comfortable fishing with cowboys, but not comfortable hunting with politicians. More on that later.)
Chronic-What?-cles of Narnia: Never made it out to see the movie. But this makes up for that. “Snack Attack, MotherF*****!” indeed.
You Know . . .: I didn't see that many movies in the past six months at all. How sad. In fact, I haven't drank much either, which for a journalist is even sadder. I should have a weekend where I get my Hemmingway on, minus the cruelty to animals and cancer-ridden suicide. That would make for a crappy Monday.
On Politics . . .
BLAM!: I also missed the gift from the comedy gods that was Cheney shooting his buddy. When they said that Cheney was out hunting quail, didn't you picture for a moment a “World's Most Dangerous Game” scenario where Dick was stalking the former Vice-President? Let's get Simon's ass on the phone and make that a new reality show . . .
“Hunting with Politicians!”: Every week, some hapless washed-up celeb gets paired with a sports-shooting politician via lottery. They're all dressed in total green camo (no orange) and plunked down on Ted Nugent's ranch with the goal of sacking three deer by sunrise. If you make it out alive, the losing team from that week's “Celebrity Fit Club” has to eat you.
The Knicks: They still suck.
Certainly there's more, but I'm just flexing the old muscles here. Next time (and it will be soon), we'll see what the new is, and we'll see how we do. Thanks for reading.
Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of ShotgunReviews.com. No politicians were eaten in the making of this column.
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