"I won again? I'll start my speech by reciting Paradise Lo--" © 2002 E!

We're certainly deep into awards show season aren't we? Last night it was the SAG Awards. The Oscars are soon, as are the inductions for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's also the "pre" season for pop culture observers. Pre-Wrestlemania. Pre-season for baseball. Pre-St. Patrick's Day for God's sake. It's like every iota of time is now ascribed to the next "event", the next "award" or the next "national alert". Maybe there should just be an all-awards channel; perhaps then Russell Crowe would get all the time for his precious poetic recitals. At any rate, here's stuff . . .

Starting to SAG: We've ragged on awards shows quite a bit around the Shotgun. And while I can understand the impulse behind an "actors voting for actors" show, doesn't it strike Joe Observer as all fairly incestuous? Even the annual travesty that are the Oscars include a wider cross-section of the industry.

It also strikes me that the same people seem to win over and over. I'll admit that "The West Wing" is quite a good show, but is Martin Sheen's president really better this year than Ron Rifkin's outstanding Arvin Sloane or Victor Garber's remarkably complex Jack Bristow on "Alias"? Is Sean Hayes really better than James Marsters or Michael Rosenbaum? I know that it's all a matter of subjective taste (and occasionally politics), but it seems that my favorite performers are either a) perpetually second or b) never nominated.

Honestly, all that you need to know about awards shows can be encapsulated in the 1991 Emmys, when Kyle MacLachlan's brilliant portrayal of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper from "Twin Peaks" lost the Best Actor award to Peter Falk, who was playing Colombo AGAIN. Ain't no justice, folks.

America at War: As of today, it's been six months since the course of modern history changed. Afghanistan is under new management, the clean-up in New York continues, and airports are very different places. Unfortunately, I do believe that our political climate is becoming even more chilly to the idea of free speech. While some people have shaken off their unwillingness to examine the negatives about the Bush administration as their patriotic afterglow diminished, the White House still seems to treat the curious American as another "enemy".

It is not wrong for us as a nation to question where our tax money is going. It's not wrong to ask for a concrete plan for dealing with terrorism. We are not compromising the safety of any Americans just by asking, "Uh, excuse me, exactly what are we doing?"

The Bush administration needs to realize that they'll cultivate more allies by being more forthcoming. Hiding behind patriotism while denying the public even the simplest of answers is not only wrong, but short-sighted. Politicians in power tend to forget that it's ultimately the people who decide whether or not you stay there. Gary Condit thought he'd coast, and now he's out on his ass. How much longer do you think he'll be able to fend off a more official investigation without the trappings of power?

Bush and Cheney would do well to consider this. Approval polls are slipping, and the big bad Enron monster is blowing at their house of sticks. If they want to keep the special prosecutors at bay through 2008, then maybe they should make with the simple answers to simple questions. Huh. Elected officials responding to the public? Sounds almost . . . patriotic.

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Ugh.

The Dark Knight Returns: Anybody watch the Bobby Knight movie this past weekend? I didn't. I live in Indiana. I saw the live version.

What baffles me is that the cult of Knight still exits around here. His infantile tantrums had obscured his coaching achievements many times over the years, but nothing more accurately showed a man out of control than the whole Neil Reed controversy. When it comes down to it, the man lied. He lied. He said there was no neck-grabbing, and he lied.

And even though I know most of us tell little lies to ourselves and others, this is different. In a position of respect and authority, he lied. And he was caught on tape. And his response? Suing. I think that if you look that situation up in the dictionary, it says "smokescreen".

Avon Calling: I think that I do need to mention that a certain national story is occurring right in our own little neighborhood. My wife and I live in the area outside of Indianapolis called Plainfield. We're in a nebulous little border region; our school taxes are actually paid into the Avon school system. Avon is a little region adjacent to Plainfield; both are on Indy's west-si-eed (3-8! Represent!).

A couple of weeks ago, Avon High School garnered national attention because the ironically named Aron Bright, a wrestling coach bit the head off of a sparrow. Apparently, the Ozzy imitator was egged on by his students on a trip; they collected money and paid him off. Nice to know that an educator can work some self-control.

It gets better. The dim Bright was suspended, and people threw a fit because they thought that was too harsh. Let me restate this: A CHAPARONE BIT THE HEAD OFF OF A BIRD. He's lucky he's not in mental hospital.

Then again, Avon's kind of got a history. Their principal was busted last year for suspicion of shoplifting, and one of the coaches got nailed for DUI. Yep; my kids would go there. I'd almost consider sending them to Plainfield High School instead, but they had their own crazy story last week.

For a senior prank, twenty or so kids jumped into swimming pool fully clothed. The editor of the school paper took pictures. All of the kids and the editor were suspended for FIVE TO TEN days! I knew the country was going a little security crazy, but Jesus. We should be counting our blessings that these kids are still basically innocent enough to see jumping in the pool as a good alternative to shooting their classmates. I got a good laugh out of it myself, especially upon seeing video of the incident on the local news. It was almost poetic, like some kind of beautiful pre-adult water ballet.

Man, isn't that what being a teenager is supposed to be? Outside of reality TV, when are you ever going to dive into water again fully clothed? If you win the lottery? Let's face it, these kids deserved at most a detention (they did do it during the school day), but certainly not a large suspension. And the school paper guy? That's a First Amendment issue right there.

School officials need some perspective too. Biting the heads off of birds, shoplifting and DUI among the authority figures=bad. Kids blowing off steam in a harmless way=not too bad at all.

That's all for now. Don't eat birds unless they're cooked. Salmonella and all that.

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