By Troy Brownfield

Before I get rolling on the big column this time, let's have a birthday shout-out to my dad, the almighty Floyd. He is fifty-six today, though his bald spot would seem to indicate that he's much older. I'm sure if he were right here, he wouldn't hesitate to point out that he's younger than my mother. Ah, love.

It's TV Time

Since I'm sick of people getting up my bum when I comment on social issues lately, let's skip that and talk about the one thing that really upsets people: how crappy TV is, and who's making it that way.

First, the Good Stuff:

Survivor: All-Stars has been a kick. Seeing the experienced players slowly begin to try to outguess and outgun each other has turned out to be big fun. I thought Rob C. had a great shot, but he got booted early on. My radar is now tuned to Lexx; given his tribemates, I think he has an honest chance of manipulating his way into contention. While Rob M. seems to think that he has things sewn up, I could see Team Africa (Lexx, Ethan, Big Tom) reuniting after a merge (with Rupert a willing fourth) to physically dominate the final few challenges. With all of the dating-show dreck that emerges from reality TV, it's the honestly competitive shows (Survivor, The Amazing Race, even Idol) that rise to the top.

American Idol: Okay, it's not my favorite show (not by a damn sight, as Marcellus Wallace would say). Still, there is one bright, shining, beautiful thing about it: the fact that the first few weeks take ample time to mock people that suck. Frankly, aside from writer and Ruler of the Known Universe, the only other job I would want is Simon's. What a dream, to be able to sit in a chair and tell people that they suck. For money (I've been doing it gratis for years). I do have one minor bone to pick: yeah, yeah, William Hung is funny; but if they're gonna give this guy a career simply for getting on stage and being exuberantly bad, then The Frank Booth Project wants its f'n Grammy now.

The Sopranos, Sex and The City, Curb Your Enthusiasm: Sex is gone, but thank Chase that Tony and crew are back. However, big praise needs heaped on Curb, which seems to consistently fly beneath notice. The show, which has always been about the social politics of discomfort, hit a brilliant new high (or low, depending on how you look at it) with the episode "The Survivor". Not many shows could examine the Holocaust or September 11th and wring ruthless laughs out of our collective unease with the topics, but Curb did. [Troy's Note: Before I get stupid emails telling me that those topics shouldn't be joked about, watch the fucking show. The jokes aren't about the topics; they're about how we react, or overreact, to those topics.]

Alias: The should-have-seen-it-coming revelation that Lauren is indeed evil has helped reinvigorate the show these last few weeks. The emotional high point was perhaps in the Mexican stand-off moment of the last episode when Sark manipulated Vaugh into revealing his feelings for Sydney in front of his disguised wife. That's smart, smart writing. Alias also gets a special note for using strong guest-casting without letting it dominate the show (like Will & Grace); they've worked in terrific character actors like Patricia Wettig and Pruitt Taylor Vince, up-and-comers like Ricky Gervais, and cultural touchstones like Quentin Tarantino and Richard Roundtree (SHAFT!) to great effect.

The Shield: Tonight, baby!

24: Keifer Sutherland is part of a Holy Trinity of TV badasses right now (the other two are Michael Chiklis of The Shield and Alexis Denisof, who has made his Wesley Wyndham-Price on Angel into a scary portrait of how far a good man will go in the name of seeing darkness averted). I don't really get why some people whine about certain aspects of 24. If you want complete verisimilitude, watch the History Channel. 24 is about high-octane thrills, twists for the sake of twistiness, and crazy-ass action. It excels at it all, with Sutherland's damaged, relentless hero as its haunted center.

Chapelle's Show: Yards funnier than anything SNL is doing, Chapelle's sketches are entering the pop culture lexicon the way that the older show used to. It's absolutely shocking to me how many people assimilated the whole "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Story: Rick James" so quickly. I've heard over a dozen people in different social settings refer to either a) CHARLIEMURPHY!, b) "I'm Rick James, bitch!", or c) "What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!" in the past couple of weeks.

Angel: My love for this show is well-documented, but the past few episodes have simply been landmarks of derranged energy. I thought "Smile Time", written and directed by Tick creator Ben Edlund, with it's evil puppets and "Puppet Angel" would be the pinnacle this year. Then Whedon yanked the rug out from under his fans with a shocking death and the near-disintegration of Wesley. Truly, the show has become the closest thing to The Authority that we'll ever see on TV. I think Angel and Spike are tremendous characters, but it's Wes that fascinates me. This is a man that is instantly willing to smoke an enemy, an ally, or even his father if the cause merits it. In fact, when he thought that he had killed his own father (it turned out to be a ruse), his first tentative conversation with the man afterwards made you realize that the character has a much easier time with violence than he does with simple words. It was subtle point in a bombastic show. Angel will go down as one of the greatest genre shows of all time; with the way that networks are stomping on imagination, we may never see its like again.

The O.C.: Yeah, I like it. It's definitely been better than the wildly inconsistent Smallville and the well-written-but-"Geez, why can't Rory get a college life?" Gilmore Girls.

The Middle: I'd call Smallville and Gilmore middle right now, and I would probably add the regular CSI and Law & Order: SVU to that mix. SVU is certainly the best of the L&O shows, mainly due to casting and the fact that there are usually solid twists in the plots. Without A Trace is also a fine procedural. ER still retains some skills, but it's waned.

The Bad: I'll skip easy targets like Yes, Dear and go right for the main crap. It's not reality as a genre, but all of the reality dating and wedding shows. I'm not talking about For Better or Worse on TLC, but rather The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Littlest Groom, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee, Average Joe, and their ilk. It's the relentless onslaught of this crap that's forcing quality shows like Karen Sisco off the air.

And yeah, I know that people watch them, but that's their fault. The reality shows that I enjoy have some segment of real competition in them (hands down, Survivor and Race rule the hood). I don't like Fear Factor, mainly because it's repetitive and the host sucks. The supreme irony of The Bachelor is that ABC gets women to swoon for a few weeks over a guy who is there, rubbing his hands at the prospect of making out with 30 chicks, consequence free. It's about as romantic as a VD clinic.

Frankly, I can understand why people watch crappy shows like Hack or Hope and Faith. They've had a lousy week, and they want to turn their brains off. Fine. What I don't get is how anyone can enjoy the dating stuff so much. I like junk food sometimes, but I don't eat a whole container of Cool Whip. That's what those shows remind me of: fluffiness bereft of the slightest trace of anything that might benefit you artisically.

Okay, a Social Issue: Couldn't let this one pass. Secretary of Education Rod Paige called America's largest teacher's union a "terrorist organization" during a meeting with the nation's governors last month. He claims it was a joke, but he went on to slam the union for actually daring to speak out about the fact that the Bush administration hasn't kept their education promises. If this isn't proof that the whole sorry gang of profiteers that's running our country has lost their minds, then I don't know what is. I'm failing to detect any kind of national outrage over Haliburton, or unemployment, or the stream of bodies being shipped home from overseas, but the whole country is in a lather over gay marriage. To me, that makes about as much sense as a country that would rather watch a bad dating...oh wait.

Sharing The Universe: I originally considered doing a bit on all of the TV shows that shared universes (for example: Charlie's Angels guested on The Love Boat, which guested on Fantasy Island; Dan Tanna from Vega$ also turned up in an Angel's two-parter, and so on). However, Thom Holbrook has a done a much finer job that I EVER could. Check out his mighty Crossovers and Spin-Offs page. Not only does he talk about the above shared universe, but he goes into detailed histories for actual spin-offs (his command of Buffy and Angel lore is stellar) and "maybe" crossovers (Magnum P.I. and Quantum Leap? Sort of happened). My favorite obscure crossover of the bunch: freakin' MANIMAL appeared on Night Man in season 2.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com

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