By Troy Brownfield
1.20.04
|
"Can
you dig it?! Can you dig it?!"
[For the film reference impaired, that joke is derived
from Walter Hill's futuristic gang war thriller, "The
Warriors". Joe Bob says check it out.]
|
Who
Eats Caucus?
Before
I get into some of the bigger news, I'd like to discuss a
story that turned up on CNN.com today.
No
Sympathy for The Devil:
Once every year or so, a story like this
one crops up where a kid ends up being murdered by its
idiot parents who believe that it's possessed by The Devil.
Last year, it was an autistic kid (shades of the Middle Ages).
This year, they're still putting the pieces together. However,
a couple was discovered walking down the street naked with
two children; police were led to search a motel room after
questioning, where they found the dead kid.
This kind
of stuff continually amazes me. Last year, a man was stoned
to death for alleged witchcraft in Mexico. Not some obscure
island nation...MEXICO!! What happened? Did he make fire with
white stick and spew smoke? Did he make air cool in house
with box on wall?
Remember
kids: "witch trials" and "exorcisms" were
the way that the olden folks used to deal with mental illness
(everything else required bleeding; "Alas, Yorick, Theodore
has lost his leg." "Right. Bleed him!"). Nowadays,
I think the only excuse you have for attempting exorcisms
is mental illness.
Folks,
there's no such thing as demoic possession. If there is a
Satan, do you think that he wastes time on that? Seriously.
If there were an all-powerful force of evil living in a dimensional
vortex of fire below the Earth, why would he dick around by
taking over a six-year-old? Why not a dictator with a nuclear
arsenal? Why not a senator? Because there is so such thing
as demonic possession, that's why!
What kills
me is how many people believe this load. I refer you to an
old adventure
of mine for further insight. Then again, I guess there are
people who deny evolution, so whatever.
Really
everybody, a real Devil wouldn't screw around possessing nobodies.
He would probably just kick back in a Lay-Z-Boy in the bowels
of the Earth, root for The Lakers, send out telepathic impulses
for networks to create shows like Yes, Dear and Good
Morning, Miami, and wait for own stupidity and superstitious
fuckery to send him more souls.
And as
for the age-old theological quesiton of why God would allow
The Devil to exist at all? That's easy. Every fictional hero
needs a good villain.
Iowa?
I Could Have Sworn It Was Massuchusetts:
In a fairly surprising turn of events, Kerry came in first,
Edwards came in second, and Dean drug ass despite the endorse
of Mosely-Braun (two jokes: 1) She sent all three of her supporters
to him, and 2) If an 8th place candidate drops out in the
forest... does anyone give a shit?).
Frankly,
I'm glad Dean got beat. He's not the right man for the job.
That's General Wesley Clark, who wisely passed on Iowa's antiquated
system to focus on New Hampshire, where the motto is "Live
Free or Die!" and they actually vote like they've done
it since the 19th Century. Come on, you have to agree that
Iowa's system is ridiculous.
As for
Kerry, his moving up punts Gephardt, pushes Dean back, and
keeps the dialogue open. It's about time some of the candidates
fell out. I look for the Big K to fall next.
On down
the road, I really, really hope Clark gets the nod for two
reasons. One, he's just a good candidate. And two, as a Rhodes
Scholar, West Point graduate, and former Captain of his Debate
Team, he would be all over Dubya's lame ass in a debate like
Eminem in an MC battle on... uh ... any other white guy.
Martha:
Martha Stewart plead "Not Guilty" again. I only
mention this because the government going after her instead
of some of the other CEOs is like going after Iraq when Bin
Laden put together 9-11. Oh... wait...
Two
Pontiffs Up:
The Vatican said today that The Pope hasn't actually endorsed
Mel Gibson's new film, The Passion of The Christ yet.
Apparently though, the Holy Father did allegedly go on to
say that he enjoyed Chasing Liberty very much, and
that "that little Mandy Moore, she's a cutie."
Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews.
Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com
|
