By Troy Brownfield

Welcome one and all once again to the Big Column. I hope you've been enjoying our Year-End Reviews segment; believe it or not, even more assessments of the 365-that-were should be showing up in the next few days. Keep checking it out. Now, on with it.

What He Needed Was A Beer: Mr. Salty joined America's Most Wanted List this past weekend when he came closer to killing our president than any number of terrorist plots. President Bush allegedly choked on a pretzel while watching a playoff game, lost consciousness, and bounced his head off the floor. This Gerald Ford-like incident could only draw responses of bemusement from journalists trying to treat it seriously, and shrugs from imprisoned Taliban fighters who asked, "We got our asses handed back to us by THAT guy?"

You Should've Seen the Original Washington Monument: Controversy is erupting in New York City over a planned statue depicting the firefighters who raised the American flag amid the ruins of Ground Zero. The statue depicts the three white firemen as a white man, a black man, and a Hispanic man. Some parties are calling this political correctness gone wild, while others are calling it a "representative gesture".

Frankly, I call the whole thing pretty stupid. Obviously, if you're depicting an exact moment in American history, you're going to draw fire if you screw with it (remember the argument over whether or not FDR's statue should show him in his wheelchair?). The chances of that are tripled if the subjects are still alive.

And while I can see and appreciate the concept of inclusiveness, isn't that a little self-serving for the artist in the face of what actually happened? I mean, come on; you were commissioned to do a work about a specific incident. Stick with the script. That's tantamount to certain comic book artists who say, "Hm, Mark Waid may have written the JLA this way, but I think I'll draw this instead." It's fairly bone-headed, and if you thought that the actual firefighters wouldn't be at least mildly put-off, then you're kidding yourself.

Indignant Boy Bands: Don't you love it when you see members of boy bands in the press, complaining about how they aren't taken seriously? Gee, why would anyone think that you're less relevant than, say, Radiohead?

What's really funny is that this always happens near the end of a pop cycle. Think back on New Kids on the Block. You can chart the exact moment to their decline when Donnie Wahlberg appeared on TV during the Gulf War wearing a "War Sucks" T-shirt. When he got flack for it in the press, there were mumblings about how as an artist he should be taken seriously too. (For the record, I didn't take him seriously as an artist until he capped Bruce Willis and blew his own brains out in the first five minutes of "The Sixth Sense".)

The biggest complainers now seem to be The Backstreet Boys, and that's mainly because they know they've lost the elusive Boy Band crown to N'Sync for good. Their rushed Greatest Hits (Volume 1! *snicker*) shows their desperation. Lately in interviews, they've come off as very defensive. Mainly, it's because they know they're the next in line for "Behind the Music".

Shaq Double-Standard: Shaq is upset because other people foul him and he can't defend himself. Shaq is upset because he got suspended for three games for attacking a player that fouled him. Shaq is stupid if he doesn't think that at 7 feet, 300+, he could kill somebody with those tree trunks he calls "arms".

Sure, it smacks of a double-standard, but let's face it: strategy is strategy. Shaq usually shoots for shit from the line, even though he has improved over time. But if you can deny a guy 50 easy points by fouling him, then FOUL HIM. How many times do you think Jordan or Bird got fouled in their careers? I can recall one notable time that Bird lost his temper, and that was over the much-larger Bill Lambeir of the Pistons. Most other players accept it as part of the game.

When you get down to it, Shaq's problem isn't that he's fouled. His problem is that the fouls expose a huge weakness in his game. He likes to think of himself as The Big Invincible, when he's merely The Big Never-Be-As-Great-As-Kareem-Or-Russell.

Anna Kournikova: Anna Kournikova lost AGAIN. The hottest loser ever has never won a big tourney and has never made it to the semis of a major (if Fox Sports can be trusted). There are two reasons that Anna keeps getting invited back to televised tournaments, and it's not her forehand or serve. (Yeah, yeah, it's an easy joke; at least I didn't type "Anna Kournikova naked" just for the cheap search engine hits it'll get us).

Attack of the Clowns: You know, in a weird way, I'm kind of dreading going to see Star Wars Episode II. After being somewhat let-down by Episode I, and after seeing a string of great movies to cap off 2001 (including Mulholland Drive and LOTR), I'm really not sure how AOTC is gonna stack up. The May release that I'm actually really looking forward to is Spider-Man; if the creative team can deliver on the promise of the trailer, that's gonna be a fun flick.

One last note: yeah, I get that Lucas is trying to evoke old-school sci-fi with his titles now (Phantom Menace being an homage to The Phantom Empire; Attack being a nod to '50s flying saucer flicks), but would it really have been so hard to just title it: Star Wars Episdoe II: The Clone Wars? It's a phrase that's been in fans heads since the original. When Obi-Wan mentioned the Clone Wars, fans went, "Hmmm. What's that?", not "Hmmm. Attack of the Clones! Brilliant!" One of the many dangers of having no one left that will tell you no.

Shameless Plugging: Recently, I've mentioned that our webmaster Shawn has a new band. Well, said group has posted two more songs for download at their site, www.theshiversmusic.com. I not only promote Shawn because he's my buddy, or because he's the webmaster, but because this is good music. Check 'em out.

That's it for this week. Until next time, peace, love and soul.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. The statue of him in his front yard depicts him as an old Asian woman. Email him at psikotyk@aol.com

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