By Troy Brownfield
1.06.04
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"The
whole wedding thing was just a joke, y'all! It was in
no way a publicity stunt. That said, Christina and I
have an announcement to make..."
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Guess
Who's Back...Back Again....
Yes folks...
after a period of self-induced exile in which I've been writing
for many places for money, for some places for no money, doing
the holiday thing, and getting re-organized, I have returned.
And just when I was wondering who'd do something so goofy
as to lead off the first big column of '04, who should put
an end to my wondering but the Princess of Pop.
Goin'
To The Chapel:
Admit it; when you first heard that Britney married a guy
named Jason Alexander, you envisioned Mr. Constanza leaping
to his feet and shouting, "I declare this the Winter
of George!" In fact, I think it would have been great
for Britney to have married everyone's favorite Larry David
stand-in. Can't you picture them hitting the red carpet, Jason
talking about his latest failed sitcom and Britney smiling
vacantly while photogs zoom in on her breats (okay; I'll be
fair. They don't need to zoom).
As for
Soccer Moms and media half-wits making talk TV and radio hay
about the notion that she's "mocking marriage",
aren't these the same geniuses who scramble for tabloid coverage
of Elizabeth Taylor nuptials, weep on the anniversary of Diana's
death (Yay! Let's reinforce the monarchy and celebrate relations
marrying! Yay!), and grab a gallon of Ben & Jerry's to
swoon over the latest installment of "The Bachelor"
(aka Tacit Approval From A Network To Make Out With A Parade
of Hot Chicks, Paid For and Consequence Free). Spare me your
self-righteous twaddle, ladies.
A Serial
Killer Stalks Salem!:
You've got to love soaps. When cast costs get too high, they
order up a serial killer and whack characters indisciminantly.
Days of Our Lives kicked that off last year, with six
in the dirt so far, and One Life To Live is getting
it rolling too. What about other shows? Don't you wish someday
that some freak in a hockey mask would kick in Ross Gellar's
door and start chopping (maybe that's what happened to the
now non-existant children on the show)? Or how about ER?
A serial murderer capping someone in Chicago is much more
plausible than being crushed by a helicopter. I'm still waiting
for them to cross American Idol with The Running
Man. "Your voice is terrible, and now I'll pull the
trap door lever that feeds you to half-starved crocodiles."
Just thinking progessively.
Howard
Dean: Knucklehead:
No, I haven't gone elephant. I'm merely suggesting that Dean
says some stupid shit. His whole thing about Bin Laden being
presumed innocent until proven guilty is a bit much. When
you have someone on video tape saying, essenitally, "I
ordered people to crash planes into your buildings",
that's fuckin' guilty. And you know that if we actually brought
Bin Laden to trial, one of three things would happen: 1) Terrorists
would go apeshit, threatening to nuke Hawaii or something
if he weren't released; 2) If he were found guilty (duh),
we'd make him a martyr by executing him; or 3) Johnny Cochran
would want to represent him with some pithy phrase like "If
the turban don't fit, you must acquit", or "If my
client was such a bad man, then why start a war in Iraq instead
of finding him?"
Clark's
Taxonomy:
General Wesley Clark just unveiled an ingenious tax plan that
would repair the damage done by Bush's ill-advised tax cut,
save money for millions of under-priveleged families, and
allow professionals in the six-figure ranges to retain at
their current rate. Of course, the American People are generally
bored by talk of money and generally don't understand sound
financial ideas. You try to explain this to the person on
the street, and they ask, "Did you hear about Britney?"
The
Oscar Race:
Apparently, ugly is the new black. There's lots of talk this
year that playing someone less attractive than your normal
self is a lock for getting you nominated. For example, we've
got hugely bangable Charlize Theron fatting up and dressing
down for Monster, imminently nailable Jennifer Connelly
looking neurotic in House of Sand and Fog, and remarkably
shagable Naomi Watts being dumpy for 21 Grams. The
obvious winner in the Best Actor category then should be...Andy
Serkis; look at how fucked up that dude looks in Return
of the King, and tell me that ain't great acting.
Attack
Ad!:
I've heard of some ad that has Geoge W. Bush morphing into
Adolph Hitler. That's too much work. They should have just
morphed him into Alfred E. Neuman. In fact, does that require
morphing?
Quick
Picks: Watch
24 and Arrested Development. Go see LOTR:ROTK.
Listen to (won't Birdsong be so proud of me?) the Outkast
double-disc. And just so Shawn gets equal billing, listen
to The Stills.
That's
today. Be back soon.
Troy Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews.
Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com
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