By Troy Brownfield
01.01.02
I know,
I know. It's been a while since my last column. I've done
some extensive holiday traveling, lost my original mid-December
column in an ugly, ugly computer crash, and have generally
been fairly busy. As it is, I have a lot to comment on, so
let's start with The Movie.
Lord
of the Cinema: Yes, I saw it. And yes, I loved it. What
a thoroughly entertaining and awe-inspiring movie experience!
I've heard some "purists" bitching about it, but many of these
are also the same people who have no idea what kind of pitfalls
and compromises filmmakers face in the adaptation business.
It is simply impossible to replicate or include everything,
and let's face it, some things can honestly be labeled as
unnecessary (for the record, I'm specifically sick of all
the whining about Tom Bombadil being left out. The fanaticism
that some fans have for this character is more baffling than
the cult of Boba Fett. Peter Jackson did a marvelous job with
what he chose to show. In short, fuck Tom Bombadil). Also,
I love the pop-culture blindness of the people who don't get
that there are two more parts. It's akin to people seeing
the trailer for "Titanic" and saying, "Great! Now we know
the boat sinks!" On the downside, it's a year till "The Two
Towers".
On the
upside, here are things that I'll be looking forward to in
the next two films (spoiler warning on).
The
madness of Denethor
Ents
Minas Tirith
Eowyn versus the Nazgul
The Black Fleet
Helm's Deep
Gollum
The Riders of Rohan
Shelob
The flight of The Eagles
Man, I
can't wait.
The
Year in Review: Our annual look at the past year will
be arriving soon. One thing that I can almost guarantee is
that we will not wonder about whether or not pop culture reviews
"are appropriate after September 11th." The persistent navel-gazing
by the media over "what is appropriate after September 11th"
is driving me nuts. Yes, it was a God-awful tragedy, nearly
unparalleled in the American experience (unless you count
slavery, the Trail of Tears, or Mariah Carey's film career).
Yes, it was horrible, and made us reflect on the true meaning
of patriotism, freedom, and the roles that our police and
firemen play. HOWEVER, it should not be trotted out as reason
for pseudo-introspective soft-news editorials on topics like
Halloween, Christmas, New Year's Eve, film-going, and music.
Sure, a tragedy lodged in the popular consciousness may impact
the art that the public prefers, but we don't need to doggedly
examine every shred of culture that passes by through the
prism of said tragedy. It's like picking at a scab.
And no, I'm not being insensitive to those who lost loved
ones. Do you think constantly bringing it up to filter every
topic IS sensitive? The media did a champion job for two days
surrounding 9-11, then sunk right back into their typical
morass of back-patting and fake-ass sentiment. I guess that's
my 2001 assessment of the news: All the news that's fit to
cram down your throat.
But
Berlin Had Bigger Bonfires: A group of wackos out west
burned a bunch of Harry Potter books this past week. All that
was missing from the footage was the "Sieg Heils". Really,
in 2001, we still have book-burning? That amazes me. I truly
believe that these freaky sons of bitches would try JK Rowling
for witchery if they could get their hands on her. Of course,
finding an address, booking a flight to Scotland, and reading
street signs would all imply literacy, a simple act of which
these happy grillers are obviously incapable.
I also love the little kids thrust in front of the cameras
to say, "Harry Potter is evil! He's the work of the devil!"
Someone should tell the parents that brainwashing ain't exactly
on Jesus's good list.
Essentially,
these are the same types of primitive screwheads that use
the Bible to justify racial crimes, homophobia, ignorance,
prejudice, intolerance, and poor hygiene. I only hope that
next time they break a fire ordinance, they get arrested,
get sent to jail, and get made into someone's bitch for cigarettes.
Which also burn. I think that would be "irony".
I'll
Take That Nuke and A Squishy to go: Next time you find
yourself terrified at the prospect of a nuclear exchange between
screamingly-inconsequential-but-trying-to-be-cool Pakistan
and we-can't-feed-our-people-but-we-build-big-bombs India,
just picture all of their leaders as Apu. It makes the fear
recede for just a little bit.
Something
Else: I've been meaning to do a little bit more research
on how Bush and Ashcroft seem to be subverting the Bill of
Rights, but I can't seem to find information on what the Bill
of Rights actually was anymore. In fact, I've learned that
questioning anything our government does post-9-11 is "bad",
despite the fact that one of our basic rights since becoming
a country (and one that makes terrorists hate us) is that
we're supposed to question our government. If exercising our
basic right to call out the government "sows dissention, making
the terrorists win", haven't they already won? Just checking.
N'Jedi:
For those wanting proof that George Lucas has finally lost
it, it came this week when Lucasfilm noted that N'Synch will
appear in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones as Jedis
in a crowd scene. Does he even remember why people liked his
movies in the first place? Is he that intent on alienating
the core audience? There's probably a reason why young George
didn't have the Bay City Rollers guest as the Cantina Band
in the first flick; back then, it was called "integrity".
Now, it's called "marketing cross-pollination". I have a word
for it: bullshit.
And yeah,
yeah, I hear he did for his kids. With his scratch, why not
throw the kids a birthday party and just pay them to show
up at the ranch to sing and all? Wouldn't that be cooler to
his daughters then saying, "Look! Lance is a Jedi!" Instead,
he annoys the people who actually made him his money. Insane.
Well,
that's all for now, kids. This is wearing me out. Oh, and
my New Year's Resolution? "I resolve to not take part in stupid
traditions". There ya' go!
Later!
Troy
Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. It's
been a long year. Email him at psikotyk@aol.com
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