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Joe Millionaire Wrap-Up
More info: www.fox.com
Review
by : Michael
Daubs 
So another
Monday night has come and gone, and I found myself with a
lingering sense of longing. Something was missing from my
Monday nights, something wonderful and grand. And then, just
as I was about to push that feeling aside with copious amounts
of Boddington's, a flood of names overwhelmed me... Evan,
Zora, Paul Hogan, that... hostess chick that never really
did anything and, of course, Bondage. I mean Spanky. I mean
Sarah.
I mourned
the passing of Joe Millionaire. Gone are the necklaces, the
lies and the jealous in-fighting. Gone are the witticisms
of Mr. Hogan, epic shots of the chateau and the fickle contestants.
Gone is one of the most evil, twisted, cynical and therefore
brilliant reality shows ever to grace the small screen. For
you see, there will never be another Joe Millionaire. FOX
won't ever be able to dupe 20 women into that farce again.
(If they do, Ted Turner will just use it as proof that Rupert
Murdoch really is Satan.)
FOX decided
to bid adieu to Joe with a non-episode that pissed off its
fans, a two hour final episode (that was really only one hour
preceded by an hour of the expunged candidates for greed/love
bitching about our beloved Evan and each other), and a wrap-up
episode a week later that, frankly, was just flogging a limp
noodle. But at least we got another glimpse of Melissa's panty
shot.
We got
to learn, too. We learned that MoJo liked to use her eyebrows,
Melissa liked to say "Fairy Tale" way too much, Sarah was
in bondage flicks "for the money" and Evan likes tits. I'm
sure all of that came as a big surprise to everyone that watched
the show on a regular basis. Oh, and somewhere in there, Evan
picked Zora over duct-tape-loving Sarah. Zora, who is apparently
Mother Teresa in tighter clothes (she assists the elderly
and was trying to help fund cancer treatment for a man in
Yugoslavia), decided to accept Evan despite his lie. They
smooched and danced and get a hunk of money for their troubles.
It's sweet and loving.
How blasé.
I've decided
to give Joe a more fitting send-off. After watching the first
episode, I made some basic observations. Instead of giving
you one of those mamsy-pamsy show wrap-ups that just rehash
all the crap that happened, I thought I'd revisit those original
observations and see how well they held up through the course
of the show. (Observations may be paraphrased to shorten length,
or changed completely to make me sound right. Okay, maybe
not that last part).
Observation
1) The whole show is run by a lovable, non-Crocodile Dundee,
Paul Hogan.
Paul only got better as time went on, and the "hostess" of
the show (can anyone remember her name? - I think not) became
as useful as a girlfriend at a strip club. Of course, it was
easy to feel sorry for the guy. After all, he did have to
put up with all of those people for several weeks. Then again,
he always got the last word (and a glass of brandy). His comments
on über-bitch Heidi were particularly tasty.
Observation
2) Joe is likable.
Okay, that may still be true. But you have to admit he wasn't
the most effective pill in the pack. But even though he was
a bit on the dim side, he certainly did pick the right girl.
Well, at least he didn't pick Mojo. That chick was scary.
Observation
3) There isn't a single girl I didn't want to smack. Hard.
This remains mostly true. I'd have a hard time smacking Zora.
But I bet I could do it if she mentioned the horses again.
I mean, seriously, I was kind of concerned her attachment
to the horses was becoming a little too Great - as in Catherine
the Great.
The rest
of the girls, though, deserve a good beating. I found it amazing
how quickly all of these women would go from fighting over
Evan to whining about him. "Wah, he lied to me!" "Wah, he
turned me down." "Wah, he doesn't know what he's missing."
What a
bunch of tard-whores, man.
I about
smacked a puppy out of sheer disgust when Evan admitted he
wasn't a millionaire to Sarah and she responded, "Did you
think that was something I was concerned with?" Well of COURSE
that's what he thought, O Mistress Square Knot. Sheesh. Stop
trying to pretend you weren't. Now... go put on that cheerleader
costume and tie yourself to the bumper of a Greyhound. You'll
be doing the world a favor.
Observation
4) Pearl Necklace
This is one area where I was highly disappointed. After the
pearl necklaces Evan handed out in the first episode, I expected
the gifts to get more explicit. You know - first a pearl necklace,
then a sack of balls. Maybe they girls give him a nice muff
in the third episode. (Okay, I think Sarah did do that.) Finally,
in the last episode, he gives his woman of choice the family
jewels, some sausage and a Pearl Jam CD. Instead they stuck
to precious gems. FOX really dropped the ball on that one,
I tell you.
Observation
5) Uh...
Okay, after re-reading observation 5, I realize that there
wasn't really a coherent point to it. Something about someone
crying and a fairy tale reference. I think I already covered
that in #2 above.
So what
is the true aftermath of the show? Well, Paul got a gig with
Anna Nicole. Evan got a new Mercedes and Zora... well, Zora
got her mother some dental work. Oh, and she did help that
guy in Yugoslavia. And are the lovebirds Zora and Evan still
together? Fuck, no. Of course not. Don't be a git.
If you
thought this whole escapade would end in happiness, then you
missed the entire subtext of the show. Joe Millionaire, despite
(vaguely) trying to convince us otherwise, was about the terrible,
despicable parts of the human nature. It showed how money
could rid 20 self-important women of what little self-worth
they had. It showed how one poor man could make a mockery
of the noble search for true love. And, though we hate to
admit it, it showed us all just how much we love to see the
bad in others.
But hey,
a little Schadenfreude never hurt anyone, right? Damn straight.
FOX is
following up Joe Millionaire with a series of other reality
shows - a second American Idol and the moronic Married By
America. But I won't be watching. Simon might be wicked, and
Married might be perverse and wrong, but neither have that
twist, that bite, that deep-down cruelty that made Joe, perhaps
unintentionally, one of the best psychological experiments
in history.
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