AVP (Alien Vs. Predator)
Directed by: Paul
W.S. Anderson
Starring: Aliens, Predators, Various Victims
Review by : Trey Stone
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Ok, confession
time. I never saw Freddy vs Jason. I always thought the Friday
the 13th movies were lame-o, and Freddy stopped being interesting
after the third Nightmare film. I even liked the second Nightmare,
which most horror fans are content to dump on. I liked it's
atmosphere, the menace of Freddy, back when he was menacing
and not just another clown. Plus, Kim Walsh was a totally
hot redhead with amazing cleavage, and no horror film, especially
slasher flicks, is complete without bare breasticles. May
I get a witness? But anyway, I had NO interested in a contrived
matchup which combined the worst characteristics of the old
Universal, and the WWF. Throw Ash in there, as rumored, and
I'll check it out. It's good that Robert Englund is getting
work, 'cause the brotha got skillz, and he deserves it. But
he's better than that. But hey, he's having fun, it's a paycheck,
and beats the holy skittle dee do out of a real job, which
I've also made my life's work to avoid.
But, I
digress. Alien Vs. Predator, is a match up geeks have been
clamoring for. I don't know where it got started first, with
Predator 2, and that alien skull on board the Predator ship,
or the series of extraterrestrial splatterfests published
by Dark Horse comics. But at some point, the lore was established
that Alien and Predator take place in the same universe. And
why the f*ck not? The Predators are the ultimate hunters,
who live in a complex society. And among their cultural traits
are a "right of adulthood" passage, that involves hunting
the ultimate life form, the Alien. If you survive and bag
some xenomorphs, great! You are a man, now, and get to hunt
Arnold Schwarzenegger before he becomes governor. Do it right,
young warrior. Did I say that out loud? Sorry. Terrets kicking
in.
Anyway,
it was rumored for a long time that we might see that clash
of the killers on the screen. But what form would it take?
And would there also be another Predator? Alien? What? What?
As things gelled, it WOULD be an AVP film. To be helmed by
Paul WS Anderson. Now, when that was announced, many screeched
in anger. For he is held to be a Lord of the Hollywood Hacks,
whose inept touch destroys all promising scripts he gets his
well meaning but inept hands on. Now, I can't hate on a brotha
to the degree that, say, Harry Knowles does. Yes, he is not
the most able. But he isn't Satan Incarnate of the Hacks.
That honor I bestow upon Michael Bay, as hard as I can. The
thing about PWSA, is he LOVES the material of scifi/fantasy.
LOVES it with every pore of his being. A lot of people reading
this can relate, I am sure. That love drips off EVERY FRAME
of every movie he does. He so wants to tell tales that he
loves, and wants us to love them, too.
And you
know something? I feel the love. I really do. And I want to
love them, too. For I feel his passion. But, his talent as
a storyteller, unfortunately, falls well short of his intentions.
For a long time, I was a PWSA booster. The first Mortal Combat
was fun. Kinda mindless, but fun. Good fighting, some nice
T and A, cool fighters from the game in question, and one
of the best Christopher Lambert (Raiden) roles since Connor
MacLeod (Highlander). It was just what it was. A fighting
film with some fantasy trappings based on a video game. And
one of the better ones of the videogame movies. FAR AND AWAY
better that Street Fighter (sad, too, because I LOVE Cammie
and Chun Li). Then came Event Horizon. There are some, such
as Milady, who HATE that movie. And there are those, who think
it's the Bee's Knees. I would be that latter. You have a GREAT
CAST, cool effects and sets, and a nice combo of two of my
favorite things in fantastic stories, haunted houses and starships.
Sure, it wasn't perfect, and I would have done that "boo"
at the end quite differently. But it served VERY WELL. Then
came Soldier. Part science fiction, part western, with subtle
nods to Event Horizon and Blade Runner, it had elements for
a satisfying tale. It stared KURT RUSSEL, fer cryin' out loud!
He made Tango and Cash palatable, and that movie SUCKED! But
Soldier? I didn't care. Resident Evil? Snoozefest.
And then,
he was rumored to be making a "Doctor Who" film. And I still
wanted to believe. Believe, my brothas and sistas, that that
was a good idea. Now, after seeing the relatively simple concepts
of Alien and Predator under his watch, I SHUDDER as to how
he would handle the far more complex Who. Thank goodness I
won't have to see it.
And then,
he was rumored to be making a "Doctor Who" film. And I still
wanted to believe. Believe, my brothas and sistas, that that
was a good idea. Now, after seeing the relatively simple concepts
of Alien and Predator under his watch, I SHUDDER as to how
he would handle the far more complex Who. Thank goodness I
won't have to see it.
Go see
it during matinee, ok? What we have here, is a proud vessel,
sleek, well put together, with a guy who can't steer. He says
he wanted to make a film that encapsulated what was the best
about the Alien and Predator films. But he missed what made
them really good. Atmosphere. Suspense. And worst off, interesting,
compelling characters that made you care about their plight.
Horror/suspense, more than any other genre, is dependent on
characters you can relate to, give a damn about. You don't
have to LIKE them, but you have to care about what happens
to them. But when they are wandering about the screen, like
so much props waiting to die…it ain't getting done.
The closest
to that would be the lead actress, Sana Laathan, who played
Alexa Woods, an Arctic survival expert. She's lovely, with
GREAT cleavage, which you see way too little of (I suppose
Antartica gives little opportunity to show it off). Her character
had competence, pluck and life. But it just needed to be juiced
a bit more. A bit less cardboard. I blame the script. The
rest? Utterly forgettable. Lance Henrickson, who rocks, and
who brought Charles Bishop Weyland (father of The Company)
to life, needed a bit more, too. There were moments, but otherwise,
he seemed to be phoning it in. I definitely blame the script
and direction here.
Expedition
to Antartica. Investigating a pyramid based in the ice. Yeah,
I know. PWSA says it was a salute back to an abandoned plot
element from the first Alien film. Hey, PWSA, there's a reason
it was abandoned. Characters having to act stupid to move
the plot along. Geez…
What do
you get? Aliens and Predators mixing it up. Lotsa action,
to be sure. And most of it looks pretty cool. But being the
self confessed movie snob, I need a little more. Alien and
Predator films, when in the hands of a good filmmaker, deliver.
This was a highly disappointing "eh"..
Trey likes movies; just not this one. And yes, he's a real
guy, not a clever amalgam of the creators of South Park.
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