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ZOMBIE
WARS!
By Neil Wright
Prophet
and Leader of the Warriors of the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse
The
true millennium is upon us, and the zombies' vanguard against
humanity has commenced its final nightmarish phase. As it
was foretold, mankind has fallen under the weight of the dead.
Our desperate attempts to stall this menace have failed. Possibly
you remember the beginning of the Zombie Nightmare as it was
called in its earliest days. It began in 1997 when Disney
opened a major store in Times Square in New York City, upsetting
the balance of power between smut and cuteness, and thus fulfilling
a prophecy that the WIZAP have awaited since the age of New
Wave pop music.
As
prophesied in the Age of Great Mediocrity: The Mouse from
Florida who hath replaced religion and established the new
morality will venture into the darkland of the York of New.
From the Square of Time the Mouse will unleash the forces
of evil and sell many cheap wares made from the blood of slave
labor across the oceans, where monsters dwell. Only the children
who hath plenty will be able to afford these baubles. And
lo, a plague shall be unleashed on Man, created from the saccharine
sweetness of the Mouse. The balance between good and evil
will be rent asunder. Men will no longer hunger for the savory
taste of Rally's, or all-you-can-eat ribs at The Sizzler.
They will seek succor in porn on, but they will not find it,
for the Mouse hath banished it. Behold, Man shall rise from
death and feast upon Man, until Man is no more. Only the few
worthy of finding the Promised Land will survive. And unto
this will come the prophet and leader of the Warriors of the
Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse; destined to wear the tin foil
crown of Meijer upon a troubled brow!
Words
as true today as when they were written.
Further
evidence that the zombies have escalated their assault is
clear. The second fall of the South in the spring of this
year was the final domino to tumble. While it enacted sweeping
legislation that led to the disavowal of the states, a mere
secession from the union did not prevent the conquering dead
from spreading. Originally believed to be as intelligent as
the "human" southerners, the zombies have destroyed that theory
by showing evidence of thought. Examples consist of zombies
uttering polysyllabic phrases (i.e. "Urrrr-uuuhhh-ggzzzz"),
and drooling over food rather than just plain drooling. The
"Good Riddance" policy toward the South (which included the
attempt to give Florida back to the Spaniards), as pleasant
as it may seem, has not slowed their advance. Now there is
a greater threat to humanity, for a collaborator with the
mindless, hungry dead has arisen.
During
Al Gore's apparent concession speech on December 13th, the
Vice President revealed his true nature as a zombie collaborator
when he pressed a button on his podium that released a battalion
of flesh eaters upon the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court.
The fates of the nine justices have yet to be determined,
but Gore has not been officially charged for his collusion
with the dead. The motive for the terrorist attack has yet
to be determined, but Gore was visibly disappointed when,
earlier in the week, the high court stated that slobbered
chads from the dead could not be entered in the official election
ballot counts.
George
W. Bush has been unavailable for comment since Monday, December
11th when his compound in the former state of Texas was surrounded
by executed criminals. At last sighting, Bush was waving a
bottle of Jack Daniels and appeared to have eaten a large
quantity of powdered doughnuts.
When
humans collaborate with the dead, there is only one choice
to make and you are thankful that it is so clear! Now is the
time to rally the warriors and make our trek to the Promised
Land. A place that will provide shelter from the coming storm
of putrescence. A place that will provide us with all that
we will need to survive until the time of exodus to the freshwater
islands in the Great Lakes. I call upon the troops to raid
gun stores and begin the journey to Meijer: last bastion of
humanity, and the final line of defense against the living
dead.
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