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A Message
from the Founder, President and Prophet of the Warriors of
the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse
By Neil Wright
Thanks
to the tireless efforts of WIZAP information officers and
fact checkers, it came to my attention that within Madam Li
Rapkin's advice column a question pertaining to the Inevitable
Zombie Apocalypse was posed. I am afraid that some specious
information was disseminated by the columnist about the IZAP
and the noble members of WIZAP. As the founder of the group
I would be remiss in my duties if I did not set the record
straight.
An anonymous
advice-seeker asked what writers at Shotgunreviews.com meant
when they mentioned "a zombie apocalypse." In a fallacious
response, Madam Li stated that the belief in the IZAP arose
from, "Overexposure from an early age to comics, horror movies,
millenial (sic) madness, and a few other things I'm loathe
to think about, let alone mention in a public forum." This
overall disdain for the believers in the prophecy was not
entirely negative. She did add that, "it doesn't necessarily
mean they're wrong." Despite her small attempt at balance,
I must retort.
In order
to properly inform the public as to why so many on the staff
believe in the IZAP, I shall once again tell the tale.
There
is a unidirectional causality for the creation of WIZAP, and
that is the nightmarish portent I received in February 1997
of the dead walking the earth. I am blessed with visions of
the future that show the dead overturning the balance of nature,
and leading a full frontal assault against humanity. Events
of zombie infestation have been carefully reported on this
page, so do not doubt the word! Through my extrasensory perception,
and a fiercely devoted crew of compatriots, a countermeasure
designed to let the strong survive was produced. Thus, the
Warriors of the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse was formed to
be the vanguard against the living dead menace. The warriors,
and those who have been placed in their protective care, will
then move to the inpenetrable Meijer fortress, where they
will stay and fortify themselves for many nights. At the appropriate
time, the warriors will begin a mass exodus to the final promised
land of Michigan where life will begin anew on a freshwater
island. Only the chosen few will survive. It is not a kind
world in the land of the zombies.
Some claim
that my prophecies were hallucinations fueled by a crippling
bout of agoraphobia, a three-month diet consisting of nothing
but canned tapioca pudding, a groundless belief in leprechauns,
and addictions to lesbian pornography and slasher flicks.
I fail to see the connection when clearly a member of the
undead has taken the highest office in the world. All who
have resisted joining the jihad against the dead have become
their food or one within their ranks. Because they are not
blessed with the will, strength and singularity of vision
that the WIZAP possess, non-believers and pundits will roam
the land searching for fresh victims. Do not be fooled by
the non-believers for soon they too will perish. Join the
ranks of the righteous and raise your shotgun, shovel or blunt
instrument in the air and say "nay!" to those who would devour
you!
End communication.
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