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Vegetarianism: An object study into…why?!
By Ian King
Editor's
Note : The mighty Shotgun once again welcomes the words of
our pal from across the pond, Ian King.
As you
may know I often have issues with liberals, hippies, children
and pretty much anyone else who has the temerity to disagree
with anything I say. One lunatic fringe group that particularly
get on my tits are vegetarians.
I've never
really bothered to delve into this strange world before, usually
when someone screeches "I'm a vegetarian!" I immediately start
bleeding out of my eyes and have to get to a safe distance
as quickly as possible.
I can't
stand it when I am exercising my rights as a red blooded lumberjack
of a man and ordering a big, juicy, rare steak at a restaurant
and someone at the table makes some comment while they smugly
order the Tofu with cardboard dressing.
"How can
you eat that? It's disgusting!" They cry.
"What's
disgusting about it?" I ask. (Usually I have to repeat this
a few times as my mouth is crammed full of animal flesh.)
"Urgh
it's a dead cow!"
"So?"
"What
do you mean 'so'?! That was a living animal and it was killed
just so you could eat it!"
"Not just
me. I wish I could shovel down a whole cow in one sitting
but I can't manage it yet. I'm only eating the good bit right
now, the knackers will end up in some burgers or something.
I'll have those tomorrow."
The argument
rages on like this for a while with the vegetarian gesticulating
wildly and covering the restaurant in viscous gobbets of some
Soya based crap while I gleefully point out just how much
blood is oozing out of my steak.
I was
actually told once that "That poor thing was happily living
in its field with its friends!"
What?!
It's a cow you idiot, it doesn't have friends. Actually I
wasn't 100% sure about this so I checked the Internet but
I couldn't find any sort of Bovine social groups or anything
so, as usual, I reckon I'm in the right.
One of
my favourite ploys is to pretend that I'm actually being swayed
by the Veggie agenda and I wait until the look of triumph
creeps across their faces before asking "Hey nice shoes, they're
leather aren't they?"
Then I
laugh like a carnivorous Machiavelli as they choke on Tofu
and hypocrisy. I've found the vegetarian world to be rife
with hypocrisy (and smugness and bad wind). I've lost count
of the vegetarians I've met who make an exception for the
"odd bit of bacon".
Oh I see,
so meat is bad except for slices that are cut off a dead pigs
arse yeah? And eggs! Loads of them eat eggs. Sorry but aren't
you eating what amounts to a flightless bird embryo? That's
right, it's not meat…yet but that's only because the foetus
hasn't gestated properly you murderers.
(Authors
note: For any slow readers I am in no way championing the
rights of Chickens to live. Any bird that is too stupid to
fly is good for nothing other than KFC. Apart from Penguins
because at least they swim and walk funny and I hear Ostriches
can kick a man's colon out with one blow so they get off on
a technicality.)
I've spent
years arguing with Veggies but I realised the other day that
my actual grass roots knowledge of this abhorrent practice
was sadly lacking. Obviously I've won all of these arguments
but that's mainly due to the fact that a) Veggies are stupid
and b) my innate ability to be right all the time.
So I actually
decided to research the subject a bit (for a change) and everything
I found has only reinforced my belief that Vegetarianism should
be against the law. First off I made a bit of a wrong turn
and ended up on a Vegan lifestyle website.
If you
don't know then Vegans are like the Gestapo of the Veggie
society and basically eat nothing but dust. I think they're
trying to get to the point where they can just photosynthesise
like plants.
Anyway
I open the web-page and what's the first thing I see? Not
the list of tree hugging focus groups I was expecting, no,
I see a huge advert for bisexual dating, I kid you not. What's
all that about then? What's that got to do with being a bloody
Vegan?
My own
interpretation is that they're thinking: "Hey if people are
stupid enough to get this far then maybe we can convince more
guys that playing hide the sausage with each other is ok!"
Sorry
gents that won't work on me. I'll stick to steak for dinner
and tits for pudding thank you very much. After I'd got over
that I noticed a smaller advert at the top of the page and
this one was even worse.
It was
a link to another website called www.vegancats.com (I'm serious)
a place which offered "cruelty free, natural products for
cats and dogs!" What the fuck? Have these people ever owned
a cat?
Cats love
cruelty and killing! The claws, pointy teeth and random dead
animal dropped on your kitchen floor should give this away!
Cruelty is what they're good at; they're the evil geniuses
of the animal world, that's why they always hang around with
Bond villains.
Why own
a bloody cat in the first place if you're not comfortable
with the fact that it's a fucking carnivore?!
If you
idiots want to eat nothing but dust and grass or whatever
you do then go ahead, fill your boots. But don't buy a carnivorous
pet, a hunting animal for Christ's sake and then start feeding
it bloody Vegan food because it offends your sensibilities.
That,
my moronic friend, is animal cruelty.
After
looking at that (and sending them a quick email explaining
my viewpoint on their company, i.e. the fact that they're
all complete wankers) I found my way to the Vegetarian Societies
website and found a veritable smorgasbord of lunacy to feast
upon, the literary equivalent to a nice plate of liver and
bacon one might say.
I thought
a Veggie was a Veggie but apparently there are whole sub-classes
of these pillocks to contend with. There are Lacto-ovo-vegetarians,
Lacto-vegetarians and, my personal favourite: Fruitarians.
These
idiots really take the meatloaf. Fruitarians eat, funnily
enough, mainly raw fruit and, if they've been good boys and
girls, the odd bowl of nuts or grains. Apparently they don't
even cook anything (stupid us for discovering fire eh?) and,
this is the best bit, will only eat those plant foods that
can be harvested without killing the plant.
I can,
almost, see the Veggies' point in finding it a bit distressing
that my dinner ended its life with a bolt through its skull,
doubtless mooing in frenzied terror as it's murdered for the
sole purpose of filling my belly. (Sorry cows, if you'd had
the gumption to evolve a bit quicker you wouldn't be in this
situation, it's not my fault your ancestors were lazy is it?)
But being
unable to eat something just because a plant has died is taking
things a little far isn't it? Then, when I thought it couldn't
get any worse, I glanced at the Macrobiotic section and was
horrified to learn that this, apparently, is a spiritual as
well as dietary choice.
Under
the iron fist of the Macrobiotic Nazis food is seen as positive
and negative, Yin and Yang and progresses through ten "levels"
until you reach the Elysium fields of being able to exist
solely on brown rice.
Why do
people think that just chucking Yin and Yang into something
immediately makes it spiritual? And what the hell is spiritual
about eating nothing but brown rice?! Granted, taking a shit
might become a religious experience but I can't see what else
it's going to do for you.
Realising
my knowledge of the ecclesiastical world is fairly limited
I called an old mate of mine who knows his Epiphanies from
his Carthusian Rites to clear this up.
Kingpin:
"Hello Des; got a question for you."
Archbishop
Desmond Tutu: "Go on then son, what's up?"
Kingpin:
"Does eating nothing but brown rice make you holy?"
Archbishop
Desmond Tutu: "Makes you a fucking idiot more like, who told
you that?"
Kingpin:
"Gwyneth Paltrow."
Archbishop
Desmond Tutu: "Daft bint. See you down the pub on Friday for
a pint and some pork scratchings?"
Kingpin:
"Yeah you're on, cheers mate."
So there
you have it, almost from the mouth of God himself, being a
Vegetarian is rubbish. I hope this article will sway some
of you Veggies away from the dark side in time to enjoy the
unrivalled pleasure of a nice, rare steak but, if it doesn't,
think of me when you're eating your scrambled bird foetus
on toast in the morning.
Ian can be found at ian.king@chelmsford.gov.uk
or wandering through the abattoir brandishing a bolt gun and
burger buns.
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