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Don't Throw Away Your Vote!
A Public Service Message From Russ Ray
Before
6 p.m. on November 7, you're going to hear passionate pleas
from rock stars, pro sports players, anyone from the Must
See TV lineup, Denzel Washington, Spike Lee, and professional
wrestlers ask you to vote in this year's election. They'll
probably use a slogan like "Choose or Lose" or "The More You
Know" or "Voting Rocks Nads!" and sit in a chair in front
of an empty, white background so they can develop a 30-second
relationship with you, the viewer, get really intimate with
you, come through your television screen, become a guest in
your living room, and ask you to please vote, because it's
your right and because it's your civic duty and because you
have a voice and because it's important enough that you should
want to choose. Well, in the spirit of the season, I also
implore you not to throw your vote away in this manner.
We all
know that the Democratic and Republican Parties are both corrupt
and filled with the same guys that tell us what we want to
hear, yet don't affect any real policy change because they're
bought off. They're funded by the PACs, the special interest
groups and the power brokers that can afford to really influence
politics. If you try and cast a vote against these people
by trying to elect a third-party candidate, you're also said
to have thrown your vote away, because the person you vote
for has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than
winning the election.
So, what
do you do? I've come up with a creative solution: set your
vote on fire.
That's
right... carry a Bic or a Zippo or a book of matches or even
a Sterno in your pocket when you go to vote, and just before
you drop it in the ballet box, light your vote on fire and
drop it in the ballet box. That way, you’ve not only wasted
your vote, but also burned up the votes for all those idiots
that are going to vote for Bush, Gore, or Buchanan.
If you
want to add a little bit of style when you burn your vote,
hold it up in the air and watch it burn as if you're mystified
by the flames. It'll impress people and make them think you've
really put a lot of thought and effort into your decision.
Wave it around a little bit so if no one is paying attention
to you, it'll catch their eye.
Inevitably,
someone at the polling place will freak out when they see
this. These election board people (a glorified combination
of Student Council, the Hall Monitor, and those people that
organize the church bake sale) will inevitably run at you
with a fire extinguisher and try to put your vote out, or
wave their arms and frantically hope that you'll regain your
good senses and cease insulting the electoral process.
You'll
also probably piss off some old person behind you that has
pulled the same Republican lever for 60 years hoping that
they'll finally get those damn kids off the street corner
that the Democrats won't put in jail or the same Democrat
lever for 60 years hoping that they'll stop the Republicans
from axing their Social Security. You'll probably have such
a pruneface crack you in the head with their cane or walker
and tell you to respect your elders and respect the people
that fought for freedom and the people that brought you into
this world. Ignore this, because after a couple of swings,
they'll realize that the Geritol isn't kicking in and they'll
tire themselves out.
Be strong
this Tuesday and make a statement. Go to the polls, cast your
vote, and burn your ballot. We all know that the popular vote
doesn't count in the end anyway.
Upon consultation
with legal counsel, I have been instructed to mention that
this idea is a Federal offense and could result in felony
charges, so take everything I just told you with a grain of
salt. Please don’t try this on your own, unless you're a jackass.
I want to read about your stupidity in the paper on Wednesday.
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