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Spring Sports Round-Up
04.24.01
By
Troy Brownfield
"I'm the hottest loser ever!"
Greetings,
sports fans! It's the E-I-C here ready to represent on all
the latest in the wide, wide world of sports. The NBA playoffs
are on, the baseball season is moving, and NASCAR still sucks.
On with it . .
NBA
ROUND ONE: I'm going to cover three first round games
from the playoffs. If I missed one that you care about, I
apologize; I'll make fun of your team in good time.
I
Hate Iverson: The League's Brightest Young Thug fell in
defeat Saturday as he and the rest of his squad dropped Game
One of their best-o'-five with the Pacers. Play of the game
goes to Aaron McKie, whose utter failure to grasp the fundamentals
of letting the clock run down allowed Reggie Miller to do
what Reggie does. You have to be a complete asshole to let
Reggie Miller get the ball with only a couple of seconds left
and a tiny, tiny lead. You deserve to lose, and lose hard.
I hope Aaron's teammates threw him a soap party in the locker
room. The second best play of the game was Iverson nearly
literally crying at the end, begging for a foul. That ending
was all poetry.
I
Hate the Knicks: Unfortunately, the self-important Knicks
overcame the Raptors in their Game One. I like Vince Carter,
but I don't have much interest in this series overall. Unless
they beat the Knicks.
I
Hate the Lakers: Frankly, I dislike any team that the
media tells me that I need to like. I hated the Bulls, I hate
the Dallas Cowboys, I hate the Atlanta Braves, and if NBC
News was telling me how great that Iron Chef Italian Masahiko
Kobe was, I'd hate him too (okay, maybe I'd cut the Iron Chef
a break).
Of particular distaste to me are Shaq and Kobe. Kobe fancies
himself the next Jordan, but he's really a huge whiner. Not
that Jordan didn't whine like a bitch about non-called fouls;
he did. It's just that Kobe whines more than a popular girl
whose best friend fucked her football player boyfriend then
beat her for Prom Queen.
As for Shaq, I think it's ludicrous that the sports media
updates us on the nicknames that he gives himself. He gives
himself nicknames, and I give a shit. I don't care if he's
The Big Aristotle or The Big Continuous or The Big Kahuna
Burger this week; if you spend time nicknaming yourself, then
you suck.
Sadly, the Lakers defeated the Blazers. Rashid Wallace got
a tech after an offical insulted HIM AFTER THE BELL RANG FOR
HALF-TIME. You think that MAYBE the officials have it in for
him? Granted, Wallace probably deserves about 70% of the techs
and ejections he gets, but is there anybody in the league
that tries harder? Name four.
NCAA TOURNAMENT: One thing to cover about this. I don't
believe that a commentator should be allowed to call a game
if his son is on one of the teams. Bill Walton, quite possibly
the worst commentator in the history of sports in the known
universe, got to call Arizona vs. Illinois. Walton's son is
on Arizona, and Walton couldn't go five seconds without ranking
out Illinois's team for being "thuggish". This is the same
guy that kissed Matt Geiger's ass while the Sixers were beating
the shit out of the Pacers last year, and Illinois are thugs?
Walton should be banished from the Earth sphere, post-haste.
Capriati
vs. Williams: Venus Williams beat Jennifer Capriati recently.
That sucks. I like Capriati, because chicks that get famous,
get busted for weed and shoplifting, then go straight, are
cool. Williams, however, just seems like someone who punches
a clock to make more money for her dad. How can you cheer
for that?
Anna
Kournikova: I have nothing to say about her of any depth.
I just know that by putting her name in an article, I'll get
the site more hits from search engines. While I'm on the topic,
I'd like to also say: "Anna Kournikova naked", "Anna Kournikova
sex film", "Anna Kournikova doing it", "Anna Kournikova's
breasts" and "Anna Kournikova money shot". There! That oughtta
log another 80,000 hits.
The
Cubs Have Good Pitching: Repeat that phrase to yourself
a few hundred times. At first it seems funny, then you realize
that it's actually true. That happens maybe once, twice in
a century. Not realizing how true something is, but the Cubs
having good pitching.
Women's
Soccer: I'm glad that there is a fully functional women's
soccer league going. Actually, I love it when the girls get
out and put together a professional sports league just like
the boys; it's so cute! (This joke was brought to you by the
1970s, when it was still okay to crack a fuckin' joke about
men and women and not have some P.C. lawyer up your ass).
Next thing you'll know, they'll want to be paid the same as
men, too! (This joke was brought to you by the WNBA, who don't
get that you actually have to have years of consistent ad
revenue, ratings, and merchandise sales before the big money
rolls in).
Hockey:
I really get tired of them trying to tone the violence
down in hockey. That's half, if not seventy percent, of the
fun. Hockey without fights is like racing without crashes.
(If you're a Dale Sr. fan that didn't find that funny, I'm
sorry. You can start your own website and write about how
much you hate college boys. I won't mind.)
XFL:
Season One: For all you trivia buffs, the L.A. Extreme
won the Million Dollar Game. The XFL was a fun experiment,
but was doomed from the start by comedians and sportscasters
who only half-ass their jobs. Here's a tip: Vince McMahon
may not have succeeded in football, but he can still buy and
sell you a milllion times over. Hell, if I were Vince, I'd
buy TV Guide and The New York Post just to fire Phil Mushnick,
then I'd decide what I'd have for lunch.
Just
Add Water: Hashim Rahman knocked out Lennox Lewis the
other night to become the new heavyweight boxing champ. At
no point did Rahman feel it was necessary to talk about eating
Lewis's children. Honestly though, I have a hard time watching
boxing anymore. Every time I see two guys punching each other
in a ring for more than five minutes, I find myself wondering
when the Dudley Boys are going to show up and put 'em through
tables.
Tiger
Tiger Woods, y'all: Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer
of all time. If you're the greatest golfer of all time, how
do you feel about that? Do you kick back and say, "Ha! I have
mastered a game that has long been the province of incompetent
middle managers, doctors, and the hopelessly lame rich, white
upper class!" Somehow, that doesn't seem like it would feel
very fulfilling.
The
Third Coming?: It's the playoffs, so Jordan MUST be talking
about coming back again. His messianic delusions of grandeur
got real old during his FIRST run in the NBA. I'm sick of
the person that the media calls "Everyone's Favorite Basketball
Player." He's never been mine. Fuck Michael Jordan.
That's
all for now, kids! Have fun with the wonderful world of sports
over the summer!
Troy
Brownfield is the Editor-in-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. If you
really think that a poorly worded email will change his opinions,
you aren't much brighter than Texas Tech. Email Troy at psikotyk@aol.com
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