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Pop Idle
By Ian King
Note
from Editorial: With great gladness, the mighty Shotgun once
again welcomes the words of our pal from across the pond,
Ian King. In this feature, Ian holds forth on the U.K.'s "Pop
Idol" program, recently imported here as "American Idol".
I don't
know if you guys in the states have had to endure your own
version of the "Pop Idol" TV show or not. Part of me hopes
you have escaped unscathed, the other part of me cries out
that the infliction of such pain should be globally shared
to lessen the sting. If you haven't suffered like us poor
folk in England then here's what happens.
Basically
it's a televised talent (and I grimace when I say that word)
show with the prize of being voted the nations new "Pop Idol"
and being handed a record contract and all of the shit that
goes with it. I'll hold my hands up and admit it was pretty
good TV for the first few shows. Watching the people with
no talent whatsoever screeching and wailing away like Gibbons
on speed was great fun to watch and the panel of music industry
judges were a joy to behold as they seem to have been chosen
for possessing not one iota of compassion between them.
Once the
talent less had been banished in floods of tears we were left
with the people who could sing and it all sort of went downhill
from there. Maybe it's just me but watching people who looked
good and could sing and dance quite well wasn't as interesting.
The point
of this is that the great British public got to vote for the
winner and "create" the latest pop sensation. To me this was
just cynical marketing targeted at the lower echelons of the
IQ ladder gone mad. Artistic genesis via a fucking phone poll?!
Do me a favour.
I'm of
the opinion that a person can be smart but people are usually
stupid. Personally I wouldn't trust the indolent public beast
to find its arse without both hands and a map tattooed on
its stomach. It's bad enough that these people can vote in
a government, let alone be allowed to create their own pop
star and then beg this Frankenstein's monster to spray the
childish piss of its "music" out of our radios all bloody
day. But now we all had a chance to be a part of the music
business in some small way, we got to choose which of these
starry eyed, poor doomed hopefuls got to spend the next few
years choking on a mouthful of the industry's scaly, corporate
cock.
I've always
had an axe to grind about these manufactured groups and artists.
To me music has always been something that should come from
the heart. Artists and groups writing songs that mean something
to them and to us. Music is one of the most soothing, exciting,
romantic and meaningful mediums we have. It's something that
can really touch you deep down. Do you ever get that feeling
of goosebumps when you hear a song or piece of music you really
like? That's what I'm talking about.
It just
seems wrong when some music magnate cobbles together a group
of guys or girls who look good and can hold a tune and then
pen some happy-go-lucky, frankly uninspiring "song". That's
not about music, that's about money. I know there's a place
for these people and I'm sure most parents are happier for
their kids to be listening to N-Sync rather than Cradle of
Filth or something but it just seems like we're promoting
mediocrity over actually having something to say. It's dull,
it's music-by-numbers, it's dragging down something that shines
into the dank, grey mud, drowning it and then pissing on its
bones.
In England
the winner of our Pop Idol contest was a bloke called Will
Young. He's a squeaky clean Ken-doll of a man and became an
instant housewife / teenage girl favourite. A week after winning
the contest he shocked us all to the core by announcing he
was actually gay. Seeing as he'd been mincing and lisping
his way across our TV screens for the last few months I don't
think it came as a surprise to anyone. Personally I think
the bloke looks like the bastard offspring of The Joker &
Liberace but I'll stop there because I'm honestly not here
to attack him personally. His first release "Evergreen" was
a perfect exercise in banal, inoffensive song writing and,
sadly predictably, went straight in at number 1 in the UK
charts, selling 385,483 copies in its first day of release.
I was
shopping with my girlfriend when I heard his next effort,
a cover of The Doors "Light My Fire". The nicest thing I can
say about it is… no, sorry I can't think of anything nice.
To write or perform original material that's awful is bad
enough but to take a classic song and re-mould it in such
a crippled form is a crime against music. The original "Light
My Fire" (April 1967) was a song with heart, a song with…balls!
You could hear in Jim Morrison's tortured wails that he really
wanted you to light his fire. He was practically begging you
to douse him in petrol and immolate him right there and then.
I'd be
surprised if Mr. Young's version could stir up enough feeling
to get a small Spaniel to piss up his trouser leg. Poor Jim
Morrison must be spinning in his bloody grave right now. It's
like they've created some horrible, Vampiric machine that
just sucks all the life out of a song and then re-packages
it in some day-glo, housewife friendly box. Yes Jim Morrison
was a womanising, drug-addicted alcoholic but by the balls
of Jesus Christ he could sing a good song! Listening to Will
Young leaching all the heart and feeling from this piece made
me want to cough up my own intestines in disgust.
Now I
want to make it clear again that I'm not attacking him personally.
There're obviously a lot of people out there who like this
sort of "music". Everyone's entitled to their own opinion
after all, no matter how bloody lunatic it might be. Yes I'm
sure Will Young is a very nice lad in his own right and under
most circumstances I'd happily chat to him over a beer or
whatever. But musically?
Musically
Mr. Young and the spineless, cynical self abuse merchants
who spawned him should be nailed in a coffin full of broken
glass and monkey spunk and kicked off a cliff. Hopefully N-Sync
and the rest will be standing at the bottom.
-Ian King
When not adjusting his rifle sights in the clock tower, Ian
can be contacted on: JJ_Oneway@hotmail.com
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