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The
Human Male Ego and Venetian Glass:
A Comparative Study in Materials Strength
By Li Rapkin
A study
released this week by the Midwestern Center for Dubious Research
has found that the human male ego is over 10,000 times more
fragile than the most delicate glass produced on the famous
Venetian island of Murano.
Dr. Franklin N. Stein, formerly of Harvard University (Harvard,
Idaho), the lead researcher for the study, first conducted
several experiments to test the tensile strength of various
Murano glass objects, such as vases, calligraphy pens, and
wind chimes. "We subjected a variety of objects to several
kinds of stresses, such as impacts that might occur in shipping
or handling, air and water pressure, heat, cold, etc. We also
performed several tests that we would later perform on the
human male ego, including a stressful work environment with
abusive supervisors, an unfavorable performance review, rejection
of attempted mating behavior, failure to perform sexually,
and a wide variety of insults and personal attacks." Although
Murano glass generally did not stand up well to impacts, pressure,
or sudden temperature changes, it was effectively immune to
psychological distress.
 Not
so with the human male ego. In fact, Dr. Stein found that
the human male ego is exceptionally sensitive, and is often
severely damaged by the kind of physical impact that would
not even scratch unprotected glass. Egos also imploded under
various forms of pressure, both physical and social. The only
area in which the human male ego outperformed Murano glass
was in response to temperature changes, and that was only
by a few fractions of a percent. Dr. Stein cited several possible
reasons for the male ego's fragility. "One of the most striking
differences is that the male ego is exceptionally brittle,
and therefore reacts to impact by shattering, rather than
absorption. In addition, the male ego appears to have been
stretched out considerably, so that it is orders of magnitude
thinner than even the most delicate glass."
Dr. Stein's
hypothesis states that the male ego is fragile because its
volume is exceptionally large compared to its surface area,
which is necessary to hold its entire contents. "Most male
egos are like extremely overinflated balloon," according to
Dr. Stein. "That's why they're so likely to suffer damage
out of proportion to the insult-they're already stretched
to the breaking point because they're so big."
Dr. Stein's
complete report is in this month's Journal of Dubious Research.
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