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Thanksgiving, New Year’s Sue Christmas
for Alienation of Affection, Trespassing
By:
Li
Rapkin
Representatives
for the Thanksgiving and New Year’s holidays filed suit in
against Christmas in federal court today. Christmas is accused
of alienation of affection and trespassing by the other two
holidays. Halloween is said to be watching the proceedings
with interest.
Investigators
are still pursuing leads in the case, but a few facts have
emerged. By mid-October, Christmas merchandise took up at
least as much shelf space in stores as Halloween, Thanksgiving,
and Chanukah merchandise combined. Christmas also had more
average airtime in several regions of the country, especially
in the Southeast and Plains states. In mid-November, Christmas
merchandise had taken over 73% of holiday and seasonal shelf
space in retail outlets nationwide, and over a third of public
and private spaces were already decorated for Christmas. By
the day after Thanksgiving, only NFL football had more national
airtime than Christmas, and even Chanukah had been totally
eclipsed, with less than 1% of the total holiday market. Ramadan
did not even capture a fraction of a percentage, and did not
even enjoy name recognition outside of a few major metropolitan
areas. “It’s now the middle of December,” said a spokesperson
for the prosecution, “and Christmas has a complete monopoly.
We’re looking into possible anti-trust action.”
“This
has been building for a long time, ever since Christmas’ hostile
takeover of various small, independent solstice celebrations,”
claims Thanksgiving’s lawyer. “It’s not uncommon for the so-called
‘Christmas season’ to begin before Thanksgiving is even out
of the gate,” added New Year’s spokesperson, “and it can linger
well into January. President’s Day is already consulting with
us on the subject.”
Calendrical
experts such as Erwin Axelrod have been aware of this phenomenon
for some time. “We call it ‘Christmas Creep,’” said Axelrod
during an interview. “This year, for example, the ‘Christmas
season’ started approximately two weeks before Halloween.
The day after Thanksgiving has been meaningless as a boundary
for at least the past 25 years, possibly longer. In addition,
we’re seeing an escalation of the ‘Christmas in July’ phenomenon.
According to my calculations, every day will be Christmas
by 2043. I’m no lawyer, but I’d say that Thanksgiving certainly
has grounds.”
Christmas’s
defense team is adamant that its client will be cleared of
all charges. “Christmas has been around for two thousand years,
whereas Thanksgiving as we know it has only been an official
annual holiday for less than 150 years-and that’s being generous.
In addition, Thanksgiving is only celebrated in two countries,
whereas Christmas enjoys worldwide popularity. What’s really
going on here is that Thanksgiving is a Johnny-come-lately-nothing
more than a jumped-up harvest festival, irrelevant in our
post-agricultural society, really-- and what we’re seeing
here is jealousy, plain and simple.” The defense team had
no comment on the topic of New Year’s, other than that Christmas
was anxious to pursue a “good neighbor policy”.
Shotgun
Reviews attempted to contact other holidays for reaction to
the lawsuit, but most celebrations were reluctant to speak
with us, fearing possible retaliation by the winter holiday
heavyweight. However, one holiday was willing to speak with
us on the condition of anonymity. “You think maybe I should
sue Christmas, nu? What am I, meshuggah? Even
if my nishgutnick brother-in-law is a lawyer. Nobody
can beat that macher in court.”
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