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Scientists
Discover Leading Cause of Death in Lab Rats
By Li Rapkin
A new
Harvard Medical School (from Harvard University in Harvard,
Idaho) study in the Journal of Irreproducible Results has
finally discovered the leading cause of death in laboratory
rats—science itself. Medical school director Dr. Francis Stein,
Ph. D., M.D., alleges that scientific research may be responsible
for the death of over 90% of all laboratory rats. Causes of
Laboratory Rat Mortality
The Harvard study delved into the kinds of research most lethal
to laboratory rats. This graphic shows the most common causes
of death in laboratory rats.
“Frankly,
it’s shocking,” Dr. Stein said in a telephone interview. When
asked why the overwhelming laboratory rat mortality had gone
unnoticed for so long, Dr. Stein replied “All these white
rats look alike to me.”
Scientists
across the nation have admitted to using rats and their rodent
cousins, mice, in scientific research in fields from psychology
to toxicology and nutrition. An entire industry exists to
support the use of lab rats. Purina makes Rat Chow. There
are all kinds of mouse-sized mazes, toys, and even tiny leather
psychoanalytic couches available to researchers. Even the
rats themselves are a commodity, bred for genetic similarity
to each other. Purina turned down our request for an interview,
and Rats ‘R’ Us refused to comment. Dr. Stein points out in
his study that the problem of lab rat mortality is exacerbated
by a lack of regulation in the research industry. “Anyone
with a Ph.D. and a well-funded research program can acquire
laboratory rats. There’s no special rat care training required.
In fact, most of the time rat care is left in the hands of
overworked, underpaid laboratory assistants, some of whom
may be mere graduate students without even a complete Master’s
degree. It’s time the scientific community asked some hard
questions.” When we asked Dr. Stein what those questions might
be, he stated that more research would be required.
Dr. Stein’s
study has also galvanized the animal-rights community. “Scientists
have been treating lab rats like some sort of disposable,
experimental animal for far too long,” says Star Barbarasdaughter,
spokeswomyn for Lesbians for the Ethical Female Treatment
Immediately. “These poor animals are mercilessly bred for
conformity down to a genetic level. They have no opportunity
to experience they joy of life in the wild, or normal relations
with their own kind.” LEFTIes have conducted several raids
on research facilities, including universities in Harvard,
Idaho; Yale, Montana, and Stanford, Wyoming. When Barbarasdaughter
was queried about the practice of culling male rats because
of behavioral problems, her only comment was “Even a vision-impaired
squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.” She also denied
that LEFTIes were responsible for the death of laboratory
rats “rescued” from research facilities. “It’s all propaganda,”
she asserted. “Every single rat we rescue from a death-factory
is lovingly cared for and gradually accommodated to life in
the wild.”
Clearly,
laboratory rat mortality is a looming problem with few answers.
The most disturbing aspect of the problem is that so many
of the cancers, genetic conditions, and diseases which kill
lab rats remain mysterious. Dr. Stein’s final comment was
optimistic, however. “If we can discover the causes of these
diseases in humans, we may eventually be able to use that
knowledge to engineer cures not only for laboratory rats,
but also mice, chimpanzees, and even fruit flies.”
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