|
Creed: Behind the Muzak
By Brian Stovall
[We came
up with so many captions for this shot, we'll let you pick
your own!]
"Sorry.
We had to Tithe the Bass-Player."
"Please don't rush the stage! You'll be healed in the order
you lined up."
"You think you can take me, Manson?"
"On a serious note; earlier this evening we offered the Bass-player
up for sacrifice."
"WE SUCK THIS MUCH!!!"
"You are all God's children."
"So the guy says to the innkeeper, can you put me up for the
night?"
"Come forward, and you will be healed by my well-styled hair
and banal lyrics."
"We want to be Stone Temple Pilots . . . without the drugs,
arrests, or cool songs."
"I caught a fish this big and turned it into a loaf of bread."
"Does anyone know the names of the other two guys? I've forgotten
myself."
"Please stop playing My Own Prison in strip joints."
"I'm sorry, but I can't let this feud with Petra continue."
"With faith in Jesus, you too can be a bland, non-threatening
pop entity!"
Mix 1
part Steelheart, 1 part Pearl Jam, and 1 part Petra and what
do you get? The suckiest suck band to ever suck the soul out
of your sucking skull. Christian band or no, they are the
latest tool of the devil to distract us from the inevitable,
upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Decorated with a greasy looking
lead singer straight outta Star Search, Scott Stapp feels
the need to join the list of musicians whose singing voice
is nothing like their speaking voice. This should be the first
sign that they’re riding the alterna-teen train. Well, I hope
I can be the one to derail it.
I took
precious time out of my busy schedule Thanksgiving weekend
to catch up with the swell, do-gooder rebels of Creed, to
watch their Behind the Music. If I may digress for a moment:
you may be asking, “Brian. If this is a band you despise so
much, then why do you waste time watching their life story?”
Well friends of Shotgun, it’s like I tell my brother-in-law,
who happens to partake in bands that currently fall in that
genre*, “Always know your enemy!” This is in case a discussion
breaks out about the credibility of a band such as Creed.
Let’s
set up a scenario: You’re at a keg party, and some athletic,
fraternity missing link decides he wants to play his air guitar.
His instinct tells him that his Verve Pipe CD is outdated
and the chicks would be “way puzzled” at it. And there’s no
way they would dig that Hootie and the Blowfish shit. He must
impress with a riff that rocks out, yet shows his gentle side.
What better way to say this than the new universally bland
music of Creed, and the pathetic salvation cry of “Higher?”
He takes the golden gem from the pile of CDs, which haven’t
seen their jewel case since the day they were purchased, and
places it in the player. Instantly he forwards to the mainstream
track, knowing exactly where it is because it’s the only one
that’s played in his car, that is until the radio tells him
there are more songs on the CD. The Play button is pressed
and everybody floods the dance floor to display his or her
own form of interpretive dance. You are the lone wallflower,
not knowing that your taste in music is about to spur a confrontation.
Missing link puts down his imaginary ax and makes his way
over to you, making sure he doesn’t spill a drop of his frosty
brewmug. His mouth starts to form words, “Do you not dig what
is probably the best band ever?” You make the mistake of frowning
when you should of strapped on the six-string and played along
with him. But that would make you a sell out wouldn’t it?
Instead you choose to engage the animal in a discussion of
taste and all that it should encompass. Unfortunately for
him, Creed is nowhere on the radar. He hurls facts about the
band at you, inspirational facts like, “Man, he wrote a song
to his pregnant wife on this album.” You retort that Robert
Smith wrote a song about leaving a wife, “with babies and
everything.” Man with sloped forehead has hard time understanding
this. He shakes his head and retreats to the dance floor.
My friend,
you’ve just won your first battle. But the war is constant
and will probably never end. And this backs up my argument
to always know the enemy. Know the history of the band and
every move they make. This is ammo down the road.
Now that
you know my motivation, I welcome you to “my own prison.”
I felt compelled to know the whole story about Creed after
hearing about their religious upbringing, and the masked references
to it in their music. I’ll tell you right now, I didn’t make
it the whole way through. I fell asleep for about the last
fifteen minutes. But that’s okay. They haven’t been around
that long. I probably missed the reason why they lost their
bass player, or why he mysteriously disappeared? Was it the
Rapture???
At any
rate, the Behind the Music started off with a synopsis of
everything up to current events. It even submitted us to live
footage (notice how little they show the bass player.) Squat
Stapp feels the need to show us his greasy, hairy body any
chance he gets. You ever see Se7en, Scott? Remember what happened
to Pride? God sees everything!
So once
you know what they’re up to now, the history lesson begins.
Squat was born in Florida, now the current home state of his
antithesis, Marylin Manson. His family was oppressive with
their religion, forcing Squat to go to Church four or five
times a week. I can’t remember the exact number. All I knew
was that I don’t even visit the toilet that much. So you’ve
got this kid that’s essentially forced to attend something
that he can’t even comprehend yet. Like his parents raised
him with the Church’s viewpoints, not even knowing what they
could be pouring into his head. And it conflicted with what
would have been his social time; a time to form bonds and
make friends, which resulted with him being a self-professed
“loner” in school. All this and he just wanted to have a normal
life. I know that there are some that will say a “normal life”
can include the Church, and I agree. But I hope that I could
read my child enough to know when it might be interfering
with his making friends or development of social skills.
Patterns
in rock history show that when the artist was oppressed, it
was likely that he or she rebelled before they matured. Such
is the case with Squat Stapp. Believe it or not, “Now Christ-like
figure Stapp” went through the “drugs” phase of his life in
college. It pretty much sounded like he tried it all. In my
opinion, it wasn’t enough. Not that I wish death on him, if
he could have just stayed messed up for a couple more years
this whole phenomenon may have just blown right over. You
heard anything from Days of the New lately? We were this close
to being done with the Alice in Chains/Pearl Jam/STP puss
sound-alike club.
So he
eventually cleaned up, got his ducks in a row and decided
he wanted to be a rock star. Must have been a Collective Soul
or Third Eye Blind CD in the player that day, because right
off the bat they came out sounding like a band that couldn’t
find their own sound. And in the tradition of Collective Soul
and 3EB, the lead singer sounded more like he was trying to
sing like somebody else, rather than himself. If you remember,
there were a slew of pseudo-grunge bands coming out that were
cleaned up just enough for top 40 radio. You had Days of the
New, Creed, Godsmack, Lit and Buckcherry. It was like, “Welcome
to the class of 1998. These are your warmed over skank rock
bands.” And so the elimination process began. When the dust
settled, it was more like, when a band came pathetically close
to adult-contemporary, the victor would be decided. Apparently
in this case it’s Creed. Buckcherry is gone, Godsmack is trying
a new release and Lit is doing collect call commercials.
Now comes
the flood of power-ballads and mellow rock that a middle-aged
person can’t complain about. They usually make up half the
crowd anyway. Hell, I think the youth got sick of them first.
What I can’t and will refuse to understand is where people
find musical merit in this stuff. And I don’t care how much
crap people give me, saying that these bands have always been
around, THERE IS STILL NO EXCUSE!! Music should not be a popularity
contest. It’s about expression and creativity.
Here’s
another example: Of late, there have been these soundtrack,
one-hit-wonder, rap-rock, bands covering old songs. I was
thoroughly disgusted when, on the way to work today, I heard
a remake of “Shout”, by some young shits who felt that song
needed to be covered. Here’s the funny part; they thought
they were doing the song justice by screaming the word “shout”
whenever called for. When Tears for Fears originally did it,
they emphasized the word shout, not screamed, and had ten
more times the effect than these idiots do. It was like they
were reading the lyrics off cue cards. No feeling at all!!!
This band also felt the need to interject bits of other songs,
referencing such numbers as “Ice Ice Baby.” What is going
on??? And people are going to be thinking this is witty and
cool. It’s an F-ing trend. The record companies need to take
this and that lame remake of “Goin’ Back to Cali,” and that
lame remake of “Bullet the Blue Sky,” and that lame remake
of “Shock the Monkey,” and that lame remake of “How Soon is
Now,” and that ultra-lame remake of “Lovesong” and bury them,
and any other bands who think that they need to cover a classic
pop song for no reason, in a very deep hole.
This brings
us to present day when all we see anymore are Creed’s apocalyptic
visions of Earth crumbling and being rained down on be meteors
just because he found out his wife is having their child.
I’m hoping my wife’s future pregnancy will be a little less
destructive. Present-day Squat feels compelled to spread his
biblical opinions through his music, you know, the same thing
Manson catches hell for!! It’s also very sweet how Squat’s
mom informs us that he is the most popular Evangelist in the
world right now. This must be the case. Since Troy asked me
to do this article a couple weeks ago, Creed has won more
bogus awards than “Showgirls.” They are mainly the popularity
awards shows such as VH-1’s “My Music Awards Show”, or the
“Billboard Music Awards,” which are based off of units sold
instead of a judging system. Not that it matters, what were
the nominees this year at the Grammy’s? Backstreet Boys? Britney?
Ricky Martin? So it’s not as if acts like Radiohead or P.J.
Harvey can actually be given awards for their ever-changing
and groundbreaking sound.
One quick
point: I can respect the boy GROUPS (not BANDS, they would
have to play instruments) more than Creed. I recently saw
an interview with one of the Backside Boys where he admitted
they were Pop and said it would never go away. Keep in mind
that he said Pop would never go away, not his band. He knows
he’s on a short ride and he’s willing to play the role for
however long that entails. On the other hand, bands like Creed,
Blink 182 (don’t get me started on these little bitches) and
Third Eye Blind act as if they are cutting edge Rock/Punk/Whatever.
They’re sugar-coated, label-driven acts that base their success
on the budget of their music videos. They also disguise this
by decorating their music videos with props and extras that
would contradict the style and demographic who would actually
attend their shows.
I’m pretty
much exhausted. This turned out to be more of a rant than
a review, and I hope you can relate rather than feel anger.
I also wanted to make it clear that I in no way mean harm
to Creed, Squat Stapp or his family. This is purely my opinion
on the state of things in the music industry, and it’s a mess!!
Brian
Stovall’s email address is brianstovall@hotmail.com.
He hates Creed with a passion, but not enough of a passion
to get a lap dance to My Own Prison. That’s what Editor-in-Chiefs
are for.
|
