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Boy Digs Hole to China, Arrested for Spying
By
Li Rapkin
SHANGHAI -- Eight-year old Daniel Jameson of Stoughton, Wisconsin,
was arrested just outside of Shanghai yesterday, on charges
of entering China illegally, trespassing, espionage, and mining
without a permit. The third-grader is reported to have dug
a tunnel in his parents' backyard in the American Midwest,
through the center of the earth, to China, a feat long thought
impossible by geologists. Jameson was arrested only moments
after emerging from a three-foot-diameter hole in Shanghai's
western suburbs. His parents declined to comment, but Shotgun
Reviews was able to interview Daniel's older sister, ten-year-old
Rebecca Ann Jameson. "He's been working on it for, like, three
years now. Mom and Dad thought it was Pookie [the family's
golden retriever] digging holes in the yard all this time."
Miss Jameson went on to say that she had suspected Daniel
was involved in an important project when he stopped chasing
after her with snakes and frogs. When asked how the family
was reacting to her brother's arrest, Miss Jameson answered,
"He's, like, always getting into trouble at school, too, you
know? And he put gum in my hair once when I was seven." Miss
Jameson appears to be bearing up extremely well under the
strain of her brother's captivity.
President
George W. Bush has already begun to negotiate with Beijing
for the boy's release. The Chinese government has confiscated
Daniel's shovel, and is reportedly interrogating him as to
the nature of his tunnel, the geologic structure of the earth,
and other "relevant topics". The American embassy was only
notified of the boy's arrest twenty-eight hours after it occurred,
in direct violation of international law. According to the
State Department, the American Ambassador has been refused
access to the boy, another violation of international law.
A few hours ago, the Chinese government issued a statement
that Jameson has committed "serious crimes" against China
and the Chinese people, which should be taken "extremely seriously"
by the international community. The same statement also condemned
the United States for the "provocation," the "immorality of
using child soldiers," and the "violation of sovereign Chinese
territory," and rescheduled this month's riot at the American
embassy for an earlier date.
Chinese
scientists have been studying the confiscated shovel closely,
and Presidential Spokesman Ari Fleischer commented that "although
our first priority is for the safe return of our American
citizen, there is nevertheless a concern that American gardening
secrets may have been compromised in this incident." According
to a White House Science Advisor, Mrs. Julia Jameson, Daniel's
mother, recently planted a genetically-engineered hybrid rose
in her backyard, mere inches from the opening of Daniel's
tunnel to China. There is a great deal of concern regarding
the patent rights of the company that created the plant, should
any seeds or cuttings have arrived in China with Daniel. "The
Chinese are not exactly known for their scrupulous adherence
to patents and copyrights," Fleischer stated. Later, Fleischer
was reputedly heard to say, "We're Americans, and we don't
have to put up with this shit. Who wants dim sum for lunch?"
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