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Madam Li has enjoyed telling other people what to do since
the birth of her younger sister in 1975. Her husband can attest
to her expertise in this area.
By Li Rapkin
LastUpdated 01.25.02
Send
your question to Madam Li
Q.
Recently, a friend of mine has been acting like a horse's
ass. Trying to communicate my frustration with him, I told
him so. But now, he's telling our mutual friends to pick sides.
What should I do? Thanks.
A.
A reader after my own heart! It's not easy to tell a friend
that he's being a complete jerk, especially when he doesn't
want to hear it. However, if it's coming from a friend, at
least it's intended to be helpful. Imagine what people who
aren't his friends are saying about him.
As for
asking people to choose sides -if you and your friends are
out of high school, this is just plain silly. (If you are
in high school, get over it!) In my opinion, the "right" thing
to do is also the hardest thing in the world--do nothing and
assume that your friends are intelligent enough and mature
enough to realize exactly how ludicrous the whole situation
is. That said, there is some petty satisfaction to be had
in being extremely nonchalant about the whole situation, especially
if you're fairly certain that someone is "reporting back"
to the horse's ass in question. On the other hand, if people
are choosing sides or jumping in on the argument like a bench-clearing
hockey brawl, at least you've found out who your friends really
are.
Personally,
I think that you're not the one with the problem. However,
there are two ways to resolve this situation. If you think
it's worth the effort to save the friendship, apologize even
if you think you're right, and forget about the whole thing.
If not, develop an attitude of bored apathy about the situation,
let the fallout settle, and forget about the whole thing.
Q. Where to Buddhists go since Kurt Cobain blew his head off?
A.
Anywhere Steven Seagal isn't.
Q.
I recently lost my job. No one loves me. Will you be my friend?
Thank you, Todd.
A.
Todd, I generally think it's a bad idea to make friends
with advice columnists. They're going to tell you a lot of
things you don't want to hear instead of listening sympathetically
and trying to make you feel better. So, get off your ass,
give up the whiny self-pity, and get on with your life.
Q. Who's more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?
A.
The most foolish is the one who has to stop and think about
it.
Q. Two months ago after a WCWO show in Connersville, I had
a wild night of passion with their ring announcer. I would
love to find him again. Could you help me? Tell him that Beulah
says "Hey".
A.
Not only can I not help you, I don't know if anyone can.
WCWO ring announcers are notorious for their "love 'em and
leave 'em" habit. They leave behind a trail of broken hearts
and tears, and I am afraid that you are only the latest stop
on that trail. Besides, it's against Shotgun Reviews Editorial
Policy to give out Russ's phone number for any reason.
Q. The directions on shampoo say "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
When should one STOP actually repeating?
A.
Until clean, or when boredom sets in, whichever comes
first.
Q.
I keep having the same problem. Coming onto the back nine,
I keep getting caught in a sand trap on a par 4. The wedge
doesn't do much good. Do you have another suggestion?
A.
Play on a different golf course.
Q. If you placed all advice columnists in a gladiator pit-fighting
situation, and none could leave (including yourself) who would
win, why, and how can we arrange this on a pay per view basis?
As an incentive, you'll get a share of the profits.
A.
I would win, because unlike most advice columnists, I
am mean, vicious, unforgiving, and have access to a wide variety
of weapons. Unfortunately, I have no contacts in the pay-per-view
industry.
Q: Should one mix Royal Crown cola and Crown Royal? And if
so, what should it be called?
A:
One certainly can mix Royal Crown and Crown Royal; should
is a matter of personal taste. As for what to call it, if
the proportions are correct, one should be unable to order
a second no matter what it's called.
Q. Do agnostics experience an afterlife?
A. Maybe.
Q: The
Clash once asked the all important question of "Should I stay
or should I go?". They are no longer together as a group,
but based on that question, what should they have done?
A:
As we know, if they stayed, it would be trouble, but if
they went, it would be double. Therefore, it is better to
cool it than blow.
Q.
I've noticed that your website has undergone a redesign. What
is your definition of art?
A.
My definition of art is the same as the Supreme Court's
definition of pornography: I can't define it, but I know it
when I see it.
Q.
Who would win in a magic fight, Queen Maleficent from Snow
White, or the Genie from Aladdin?
A.
Queen Maleficent, because nobody makes a pact with dark powers
just to be defeated by some blue-skinned goofball in harem
pants.
Q.
Where do babies come from?
A.
A bottle of tequila and a night of uninhibited passion
in the back of an '83 Honda Accord.
Q.
Are there other humankinds [sic] out there besides the ones
on earth?
A.
Yet another disappointment in the search for intelligent
life on earth, ladies and gentlemen.
Q.
Where does one go in Terre Haute for a decent, uncensored
video selection?
A.
Home.
Q.
Who are you people?
A.
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Q.
Call me old-fashioned, but...women voters???
A.
Call me a female chauvinist, but...somebody let this guy
vote???
Q.
So I get this mysterious email from someone who claims to
be a member of an African military regime who needs assistance
in transferring 21 million dollars to an off-shore account.
I get 15% of the take. However, although it sounds great...why
does it remind me of a pyramid scheme that would happen in
Taos New Mexico?
A.
African military regimes tend to deal in oil and diamonds,
not hard currency.
Q.
Since the four fish we bought for my son's 1st birthday have
survived for 2 weeks, we have decided to name them. We have
named the Black Moor Goldfish Othello, ergo the bottom-feeding
fish is named Iago. We have 2 red & white Ryukins (a.k.a.
Fancy-Dancy Goldfish). The small one we have named Hector,
but the large one, who is somewhat of a bully and has a proclivity
to swim vertically, still needs a name. We have decided to
name him after a famous redhead, preferably someone who was/is
large, but nothing seems to fit. Any suggestions?
A.
If your one-year old son is mature enough not only to take
care of the fish, but to name them after literary characters,
I suggest you have him read some Norse and Celtic mythology.
Surely he will find inspiration there.
Q. Madam Li, do you ever read Savage Love, the Onion's
advice column? If so, what do you think of Dan Savage and
his advice?
A. I don't read anyone else's advice column, and I
can't really recommend that you do so, either. All kinds
of unqualified people are out there giving advice. You,
like all our readers, deserve only the best advice: mine.
Q.
Where can one acquire penguin dust?
A. Any
place where there are dirty penguins.
Q. As a Taurus I am perplexed by my laziness.
After reading your June horoscope I feel as if there is no
hope. (I have caught myself sunning by the pool, never
swimming because of the laborious task that it is!)
What do you recommend as an aid to my laziness?
A.
The astrologically correct thing for any Taurus in this kind
of situation (or any situation, really) is to take a nap.
Q: I am thinking of taking over a small third world country.
Any recommendations?
A:
As any real estate agent will tell you, the most important
factor is location. Sure, the Caribbean has plenty of
nice real estate, but there's the whole hurricane problem,
and it's full of tourists. Africa has some truly striking
and beautiful areas, but there are a lot of economic and health
issues to consider. Asia likewise has a lot to offer,
but you have to consider the enormous population densities.
South America has suffered a lot of environmental damage.
I suggest you go to the library and spend some time looking
through atlases with information such as social order, economic
development, industrialization, and so on, before taking over
a country. You have to choose the country that's right
for you, but you also need to make an informed decision.
Q. (1) What kind of a pale-skinned geek could sit
in front of their computer screen and read all of that advice,
from the problems with federal agents through the bundt cake
and menage a trois/orgy to the last question about a doomed
relationship and still keep some self-respect? In short, (2)
isn't it about time to delete some old advice, and (3) why
am I still here?
A1. If you want warm-and-fuzzy advice, write
to Dear Abby.
A2. Last time I checked, Troy was still my editor.
A3. Because evolution isn't perfect.
Q. Federal agents keep raiding my house? What can
I do?
A.
Green card - don't leave home without it.
Q. My roommate and I keep arguing about the right
way to load a roll of toilet paper onto the dispenser.
Should the loose end come out over or under the roll?
A.
If you have cats or small children in the house, the loose
end should come out from under the roll in order to keep it
from being unrolled completely by curious paws or hands.
Otherwise- and I can't stress this enough - IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Q. What do women want? What do women need?
A.
It depends on the woman.
Q. What do men want? What do men need?
A.
Beer, sex, and sports.
Q: Why does (Shotgun Reviews Editor) Troy Brownfield seem
to hate Gary Bauer so much?
A:
Gary Bauer used to beat him up and take his lunch money.
Q:
What criteria do you yourself use to rate or review a movie?
A:
The most important criterion is whether or not the film (or
book, or play, or whatever) is entertaining. There are
plenty of entertaining movies out there that aren't Great
Art nor were they intended to be. The second most important
criterion is the quality of the work. The third criterion
is whether or not Leonardo DiCaprio is in it, because if he
is, you know that the film isn. t going to be entertaining
or quality work.
Q: The fact that you would actively write and promote a
column about the occult practice of astrology offends me.
I hope you burn in hell.
A:
Don't read it. See you in hell.
Q: The son of my blood brother is rising in power and I
fear that he will eventually defeat me in war...what should
a Kha-Khan of the Kereit do?
A:
According to historical sources, you are destined to bring
about the end of the Kereit people, then end up forgotten
by the world, with the exception of a small handful of graduate
students who have nothing better to do with their lives than
study people like you.
Q: I have three friends who are all interested in the same
woman. I see this ending in blood and fire. How
do you suggest that this situation be handled?
A:
The woman in question gets to decide who, if anyone, she wants
to date. If she rejects all three of your friends, they
should commiserate. If she decides she does want to
date one of them, the other two should keep in mind who made
the decision and try not to let it affect their friendship.
If your friends are reasonable and mature people, you should
still expect a certain amount of awkwardness and tension.
If they aren't reasonable and mature, Jerry Springer always
needs guests.
Q: What's the hardest thing about marriage?
A:
A lot of studies show that money is the major source of relationship
friction. However, I think that it's harder to
come to terms with the fact that the person you dearly love
does things like leave dirty coffee mugs lying around, put
off taking out the garbage for days, or use his/her clean
laundry directly from the dryer. Learning to live with
your own annoying habits is bad enough; learning to live with
someone else's is just about guaranteed to drive you crazy.
Q: I read your article about being Jewish during the Christmas
season. I was curious as to your reaction to St. Valentine's
Day?
A:
There's a lot less green at Valentine's Day.
Q: Less filling or tastes great?
A:
Beer is for amateurs.
Q: Who
put the bop in the bop shbop shbop?
A:
If it wasn't Little Richard, it should've been.
Q: Why
is Christmas shopping such a pain in the ass.
A: Because everyone does it at the same time: December.
Q: What should I be doing to prepare for Y2K?
A:
One of two things will happen at midnight on January 1st,
2000. Either the world won't end, or it will. I think
it's best to be prepared for either eventuality. To
prepare for continued existence, I suggest you buy a 2000
calendar and a bottle of your adult beverage of choice, and
try to relax. Preparing for the end of the world is
pointless.
Q: The 6-month anniversary of shotgunreviews.com is coming
soon. How to you think it's been working out?
A:
Not bad for a bunch of monkey-and-wrestling-obsessed geeks,
Troy.
Q: An older woman I used to try to date is now suddenly
interested in me and I think it's because she hears her biological
clock ticking. Should I pretend to like her to get sex or
just refuse her now like she used to do to me?
A:
In
a situation like this, you have to get your priorities straight.
Which is more important to you, getting sex from someone you
don't even like, or the petty satisfaction you would derive
from turning her down carpiciously?
Q: Why are the guys on the page always talking about a
zombie apocalypse?
A:
Overexposure from an early age to comics, horror movies, millenial
madness, and a few other things I'm loathe to think about,
let alone mention in a public forum. However, it doesn't
necessarily mean they're wrong.
Q: My
teachers harass me for reading comics. What should I
do?
A:
Keep
reading them, don't get caught, and resist pressure to give
them up. Maybe read a novel every once in a while.
Q: I'm in junior high and there's this popular, pretty
girl I like. How should I approach her?
A:
With your fly zipped.
Q: Is Satan's attempt to take over Earth beginning in middle
management?
A:
Satan has not authorized me to reveal his plans at this time.
Q:
I have a friend from college who I hadn't seen for a long
time. I saw her lately and she acts like she's still
a sophomore. Am I a fogey or does she need to grow up?
A:
Sometimes I am amazed at how easy it is for people well into
their twenties, thirties, or even older to get through life
acting like they're not old enough to buy cigarettes.
There are a few things that made being a kid great, like insatiable
curiosity, a sense of wonder, and wild enthusiasm for
life, that are worth hanging onto forever. However,
anyone old enough drive, drink, or vote needs to be mature
enough to think about the consequences of their actions, and
other people's feelings.
Q:
Mambo #5. Why?
A:
I quote the Buddha: "Life is suffering".
Q: Which do you think is better: chocolate in peanut butter
or peanut butter in chocolate?
A:
Chocolate in peanut butter is somewhat messier, but otherwise
holds its own against peanut butter in chocolate. However,
the ultimate in spreadable chocolate-nut edibles is definitely
Nutella.
Q: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll
center of a Tootsie Pop?
A:
Three,
if you're an owl and/or don't care about broken teeth. Otherwise,
it varies according to species and concern for dental care.
Q: Why can't Johnny read?
A:
Who's Johnny? Are you Johnny? There was this guy named Johnny
& he was a total geek, always had food in his braces.
Oh my God, it's like that movie where find out rosebud is
a sled; but we'll never know who Johnny is, cause like, she's
dead.
Q: Why don't people take electronic journalism seriously?
A:
Take a look at what passes for journalism on the Internet.
Q: I'm a comedian who likes to do political humor. Now
that Dan Quayle has dropped out of the race, I stand to lose
a lot of business. Can I sue?
A:
Suing a lawyer is like biting a shark. Sure, you could do
it, but do you want to deal with the consequences?
Q: Why
do LARPers think everyone else is playing the game?
A: Delusions
of performance artistry.
Q: Why is wedding planning such a difficult process?
A:
There are lots of reason for this. One of the big ones
is that very few people throw parties for 300 of their friends
and relatives, so the scale of the event itself makes it difficult.
Another reason is that most weddings range from semi-formal
to very formal, and the formality of an event brings along
certain expectations and traditions, adding complexity .
However, I think that the main reason that wedding planning
is such a difficult process is because it is a situation which
brings out a lot of emotional issues for everyone involved,
some of which have nothing to do with the wedding, and everything
to do with relationships between various participants.
People may have different expectations, which cause them to
clash with each other, and occasionally, with reality itself.
Finally, there is definitely a financial aspect to the process,
and money, or more to the point, the amount of money and how
it is to be spent, is frequently a point of contention in
any relationship. One thing that a lot of couples lose
sight of in this process is that they should enjoy their own
wedding ceremony and reception; it's the only thing that makes
all that work worthwhile.
Q: Why do people like Kathi Lee, Rosie, Oprah, and The
View?
A: Why do people like McDonald's fish sandwiches, indoor
soccer, Chicken Soup for the Soul, and the "Friends" sitcom?
There's no accounting for taste. It is simply one of
the mysteries of the universe.
Q: I've though of asking someone out, but she is a single
mother. I am unsure how to proceed and what my responsibilities
should be in this situation. Please help.
A:
Unless you are the one who made her a single mother, a first
date incurs no parenting responsibilities. Later in
the relationship, should one result, you would be wise to
defer to her judgment, until such time as she asks you to
assume any kind of parental responsibilities. Be nice
to her kid(s), but don't try to force any kind of close relationship
with them; most children are smarter than adults give them
credit for, and they'll know what you're up to. Finally,
remember that although she's a parent, she's also a person
in her own right that you should treat just as you would
anyone else.
Q: Why do women expect you to be telepathic instead of
telling you what's wrong?
A:
Women don't expect men to be telepathic. We expect them
to be smart enough to realize when they've done something
wrong, what they did wrong, and why it was wrong. Unfortunately
for women, some men are more likely to be telepathic.
Q: How much is too much?
A:
"Too much" is a very subjective amount. However, you
will probably realize exactly how much "too much" is for you
just after you pass that point. [Or pass out -Ed]
Q: Why do so many poor souls think that the '60s TV show
is the "correct" version of Batman?
A:
A lot of people used a lot of mind-altering drugs during the
'60s. Coincidence?
Q: Who do you think has had more impact on American popular
music, Jim Morrison or John Phillip Souza?
A:
Although Jim Morrison's influence is easily heard in today's
pop music, John Phillip Souza's contribution to American music
can be heard at every football game and marching band competition
across the country. What more need I say?
Q.
Know any good bundt cake recipes?
A.
You seem to have mistaken me for www.marthastewart.com.
Q.
How do you get someone who lacks focus to narrow their personal
agenda?
A.
You can give them a day planner and hope they get the hint.
If that doesn't work, you can help them determine why they
can't seem to focus. In my own personal experience, this state
is a result of one of two situations. Either the person
in question knows what s/he wants, but doesn't know how to
go about achieving his or her goal, or the person in question
has no idea what s/he wants in the first place. For
example, if someone is stuck in a dead-end job, but refuses
to do anything about it, it may be that s/he simply doesn't
know what s/he would rather be doing instead, and therefore
chooses security over change. In that kind of
situation, rather than nagging the person in question to get
out of the job, it's more constructive to help him or her
figure out what to do instead.
Q. Why are story problems so hard?
A. Because some people have difficulty translating
English into math, and vice versa.
Q: We often hear the expression "This is no way to run
a railroad." Exactly what is the correct way to run a railroad?
A:
I'm not an expert, but my guess would be that all the trains
on the same track should go the same direction.
Q: What
are appropriate activities to undertake on the first date?
A:
Personally, I am in favor of low-key and casual activities
for the first couple of dates. If dinner (or lunch)
and a movie are too clichéd for you, a visit to a museum,
lecture, exhibition, concert, or play is good, because it
gives you something to talk about. If you have a mutual
interest, choose something that relates to it: a trip to the
planetarium if you're both into astronomy, for example, or
a nature hike for bird-watchers. Bad first-date activities
include attending weddings (either someone else's or your
own), funerals (ditto), proms, and orgies. Sporting
events can go either way, depending on whether or not the
person you're taking out actually enjoys the sport, or has
lied about in order to try and get along with you.
Q: How many dates should you wait before making "the
big move"?
A:
As many as it takes for you both to feel comfortable.
I dated one person for over a year and never made "the big
move," while with a couple of others it was, um, not that
long. A good sign is that you both can discuss important
topics like disease prevention and contraception without too
much stammering, blushing, or alcohol. It's not a romantic
conversation, but it's an extremely important one.
Q: I have a neighbor who's really hot. We've talked,
she's borrowed stuff, etc. How do I make my move?
A:
I'll try to keep the answer to words of one syllable, in deference
to our reader. Ask her out on a date, stupid.
Q: Exactly how much does it take to get a 5'7" woman weighing
approximately 120 lbs. drunk?
A:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.
Q: Why do girls bring their friends on a first date?
A:
They want to have someone to talk to about you when they go
to the restroom. Also, if by some chance you turn out
to be a psychotic stalker, she wants someone to be able to
identify you in court.
Q: What do you do when you have a girlfriend/boyfriend
that nobody likes?
A:
If your friends have actually told you that they don't like
the person you are dating, you're already in deep shit.
Most of the time, your friends will not tell you straight
out that they don't like the person you are dating.
Instead, they will talk about it anxiously when you're not
around, and quietly hope you'll come to your senses and break
up with that jerk. When people you know well and trust
implicitly have told you that there's something seriously
wrong with your boyfriend or girlfriend, listen to them.
These are people who care about you, and they are trying to
help. Take a moment to think about why you are dating
that person, and if what you're getting out of that relationship
is worth what you're putting into it. If it is, thank
your friends for their concern. If it's not, there may
be a good reason, or several good reasons, why nobody likes
your girlfriend/boyfriend. You may even discover that
you don't particularly like her/him either.
Q: What
do you do when your friend's boyfriend/girlfriend comes onto
you?
A:
When someone who is dating a friend comes onto you, ask yourself
this question: "Am I an asshole?" A hint here:if you
have previously slept with a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend,
the answer is a resounding YES! If you are an asshole, not
only should you sleep with your friend's girlfriend/boyfriend,
you should make sure to tell your friend all about it later.
If you are not an asshole, either pretend you haven't noticed
the pass, or if it's unavoidable, decline politely even if
you have to use a really stupid excuse, like "I promised my
dog I wouldn't sleep with anyone he hadn't met." You
might also suggest in vague terms to your friend that she
or he have a talk with their significant other. When
people in a relationship start playing nasty games with each
other, it is best to be as uninvolved as possible.
Q: I never thought this would happen to me!
A:
Wrong forum, but thanks for playing. Next?
Q: I'd like to talk my girlfriend into us having a three-way
with her best friend. How would I go about that?
Also, would talking her into a four-way with her two best
friends be easier or more difficult?
A:
Our
Fearless Editor assures me that this is a genuine concern
of one of our beloved readers, so I'll indulge him and discuss
this cliched and uninspired male fantasy as seriously as I
discuss everything else. In the name of good public
relations, I'll even go so far as to assume that the reader
in question actually has the stamina to completely satisfy
three women at once, no matter how ludicrous that may seem
to everyone else, especially those who know him. I'll
answer the second question first: three people having sex
together is a menage a trois, which is kinky. Four people
having sex at once is an orgy, which is for the truly jaded.
I know which one I'd rather be. As for the first question,
you have absolutely no hope of talking your girlfriend into
it. If you truly care for her, you will not try to coerce
her. All you can do is ask her flat out. If she
says no, get yourself the latest issue of your favorite yank
mag, and keep dreaming. If she says yes, and her friend(s)
say yes, try not to feel left out when they discover that
they're more interested in each other than they are in you,
and be prepared to say yes to the next kinky (or jaded) sex
act she asks you to indulge in.
Q: Are
relationships based purely on sex "bad"?
A:
Only if the sex is bad and/or either person involved expects
anything other than intimate entertainment.
Q: I'm dating a guy who's a lot of fun, but ultimately,
our lives will lead us in different directions. I know
that our relationship is doomed, but I don't think he does.
What should I do?
A:
Take over my oracular duties, for a start. I certainly
can't read the future as well as you can. First of all,
"not permanent" isn't the same thing as "doomed". A
relationship is truly doomed when, for example, one of the
people in it starts dating a sixteen-year-old with a nipple
ring and persists in lying about it...or passing out pictures,
depending. Second, the person you are dating might not know
that the relationship only non-permanent, because in his mind,
it isn't. You'll never know unless you talk about it.
Finally, if both of you agree and are absolutely certain that
the relationship isn't going to be permanent, enjoy it while
it lasts, part amicably, and don't make any promises you know
you can't or won't keep.
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