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"I
Cannot Let You Possess The Infinity Gems"
by:
Trevor Young
One
of the fondest memories I have of my childhood is the squandering
of endless hours of my youth reading ungodly amounts of comic
books to avoid the inherent humiliation that is "growing up".
.....Actually,
wait a second there. I really don't need to lie to you here.
You see, it would be a great overstatement to say that my
solitary life of reading comics was one of my "fondest" memories.
It's just a memory. No more. No less.
Regardless,
as the years past, my life has really changed for the better.
Where I once ran to comics for comfort after the usual eight
hours of intense emotional scarring that comprised my school
life, I now have many other things to divert my attention.
Better things. Things like my immense popularity. That and
the numerous fast girls, fast cars, and fast drugs. The usual
trappings of being so well-liked.
I really
think I owe it all to discovering two magical things that
have forever changed my existence for the better. Yep, hygiene
and plastic surgery. Who knows where I'd be if it wasn't for
my surgically cleft chin and Pearberry body lotion.....
Really though, who knows? Maybe, I'd be a lot like you.....
You know, a big fucking loser.
......Alright.
I'm man enough to admit my life really hasn't changed a great
deal. I'm not popular. I don't know anything about fast girls,
fast cars, and fast drugs. My chin lacks a cleft and I've
yet to master the finer points of hygiene. Most importantly,
I have not left the warm, loving embrace of the four-color
printed page yet. Sadly, comics are still a vital part of
my life. You see, it's hard to ward off a media that delves
so perfectly into my odd sensibilities. Where else can you
find such outrageous character-driven stories that make no
sense whatsoever? Outside of wrestling....nowhere.
That being
said, in my formative years, there was one character that
stood diametrically opposed to everything I adored about comics.
A character so repulsive that he could ruin the best of comics
by just randomly stumbling through it waywardly. For me, even
if there was an odd ink stain in the background of a panel
that remotely resembled him, I found it hard to gain enough
composure to read any further into the comic for fear of him
actually being in it. The sad fact is that he was so utterly
repugnant in all ways that the ads for his video game and
1-900 phone game caused me to break down into tears on multiple
occasions. So you may be asking yourself, who is this most
retched, dreaded character? Well, my friends, prepare yourself
for endless pain and suffering..... Prepare yourself for.....
THE
SILVER SURFER!!!
Here
Are The Reasons Why I Hate Silver Surfer:
1. First
off, his origin is quite suspect to me. He is an alien from
Silverlandia or some place. Galactus came directly to him
for some silly Stan Lee reason and offered to allow him become
a product of his wildest imagination if he'd become his herald
and seek out worlds for him to eat.
......
By the way, that's all that Galactus does. The whole purpose
of his existence is to eat worlds. Uh...yeah. Go Marvel Comics!
Go! You're so fucking brilliant!
Anyways,
they come to some sort of agreement and Silver Surfer becomes
the man of his dreams. A powerfully boring, silver alien who
surfs through space and remains really, really pensive during
all those adventures he never has.
I really
don't know how this charade has lasted so long. You see, comics
are pretty entertaining in that they are really invoke and
capture what was popular during a certain time period. It's
a lot like historic anthropology. This is how they stay in
business by having characters and stories that reflect what
society currently likes, no matter how misguided that is.
When hula-hoops
were popular, you better believe they showed Batman hula-hooping
the night away with Robin with big, goofy smiles on their
faces. When Star Wars came out, I swear I remember Wolverine
flying around space in his "Centurian Eagle" with a hairy
flying compadre he called a "Mookiee". When Flashdance was
the "it" thing, Spider-Man spent endless months as a maniac,
maniac on the floor. Let me tell you, he was dancing like
never danced before.
That being
said, how has an alien surfing through space had such enduring
popularity? It's not the 60's anymore. I mean think about
it. It's a silver alien. On a silver surfboard. Surfing through
space. Sigh....
2. When Silver Surfer was a herald for Galactus, he led that
giant entity to destroying many worlds. Many worlds with many
millions of people on them. Which makes me wonder, how can
a guy with the blood of millions on his hands be so damned
self-righteous?! I mean this is a character that is so boring
and uptight that I bet he'd jump to correct the mastication
techniques of his fellow heroes in less than a New York minute:
Captain
America: Jesus Christ man! I don't think I've ever been
so fucking hungry in my life. Beating the shit out of the
Red Skull really builds up quite a hunger, eh? Isn't that
right, chrome dome?
Silver
Surfer: I suppose..... My, my, my.... Just look at the
voracious way you are devouring that seasoned meat food product.
That really has to be wreaking havoc with your intestines,
stomach, and such. I have a little saying for you that you
might find invaluable: "Just chew thirty times and you'll
do fine". Let me tell you, my stool has never been more pliable
and soft and it's all because of that little piece of advice.
Haha!
Captain
America: Fuck off, you stupid pussy!
The
Incredible Hulk: RAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
It would be akin to me blowing up the places of every resident
in Los Angeles then on the way home making a citizen's arrest
for someone I see jaywalking. It makes no sense....
3. My last reason for hating Silver Surfer is that he just
doesn't talk like a surfer. He speaks like a librarian. The
difference being that EVEN librarians lead more exciting lives
than him. Really though, it's not even that I want him to
talk like a surfer it's just that I'd like some consistency.
If this guy wants more than anything in the world to be a
surfer, he better talk like a fucking surfer, you know? I
don't know. Which one would you pick:
1.
Surfer Silver Surfer: Yo, yo, yo dudes and dudettes, thanks
for buying this comic!!!! Read on cuz this week I'm gonna
hang ten all over some gnarly bad dudes, catch some tasty
waves, then grub the shit out of some nachos from 7-11. Dude,
it's gonna fucking rock!!!
2. Actual Silver Surfer: You know, I used to know the
periodic table by heart. However, lately, I've been confusing
Cesium and Tungsten a lot. Why don't you join me as I spend
the rest of this double-sized issue boning up on the elements.
It'll be fun. If you are good I might even let you watch me
read the latest issue of "Psychology Today". Fun, huh?
3.
Shotgun: I can blow your brains out if you want. No problem.
Just squeeze the trigger and all your problems are gone.
For me, I think the choice is clear.
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