The Best | The In-Between | The Worst | The Bootleg

THE BEST:

• X-Men:  Perhaps the biggest stroke of luck that comics fans have ever had, film-wise. What could have been a disaster of Pompeii proportions turns out to be an incredibly entertaining and intelligent flick. With a ton of fanboy-aimed cameos and a stellar performance by Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, this set a new standard (hopefully one the studios will use).
• Superman: The Movie:  Nearly perfect. Great origin sequences with Krypton and Smallville and a flawless cast (including Christopher Reeve as the best Superman) make this one a total winner.
• Batman :  Michael Keaton was so good. Jack was so crazy. You can almost hear the purr of the engine as in runs in perfect time on all cylinders. Amazing.
• The Crow :  Visually astounding, with great music. Brandon Lee's death lends an eerie pathos to the proceedings, but the direction is great. It's also fairly faithful, considering the mangling that so many comics films go through.
• Blade :  Seriously cool. Seriously good. As a sidenote, a major Detroit paper reported that Blade screenwriter David S. Goyer and Wesley Snipes are already at work on a sequel. Unfortunately, it won't include Kris Kristofferson, who helped make this great. Bonus points for the "bloodbath", double bonus points for using New Order on the soundtrack, and triple bonus points for the clever playing of CCR's "Bad Moon Rising" in the background of Kristofferson's intro scene.
• Superman II :  Home of the single best superhero/supervillain slugfest ever. Thrown buses, exploding billboards, flying manhole covers. This kicks righteous butt. Not to mention it has two of the most quotable super-hero film lines: "The big one's just as strong as Superman!" and "Son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod!". Classic.
• Batman: Mask of the Phantasm :  A wonderful piece of animation. More or less an adaptation of the comic storyline from Batman: Year Two, this has great depth as it touches on the eternal loneliness of Bruce Wayne.
• The Rocketeer :  This is a fun, fun movie, not to mention it has Jennifer Connelly. Bill Campbell was perfectly cast. It really captures that 1940's flavor, as does...
• The Shadow :  Alec Baldwin should have been Batman after Keaton, but we'll take him as Lamont Cranston. It upsets me that only one of these got made. Baldwin and Penelope Ann Miller (as Margo Lane) were great.
• The Transformers* :  Marked with an asterisk because it was based on a cartoon based on a comic based on a toy based on a Japanese toy and cartoon. Still, it's great fun with an interesting story that straddles various interpretations of Judeo-Christian theology and readings of Plato's Republic. And no, I'm not kidding.
• Men In Black :  Technically Marvel's first successful film, but since they bought out Malibu, the honor goes to Blade. The rest of the movie could have sucked, and I would have still liked it for the bulldog scene.
• The Batman/Superman Movie :  Great animation and a fun story with amazing action sequences that could never be captured correctly in live action. Not to mention one of the funniest scenes ever (Harley Quinn waving the Batman cookie at Joker while yelling "Eat me! Eat me!" I about had a heart attack).
• The Mask of Zorro :  While Zorro originated in different media, there is a Zorro comic book and he was an inspiration for Batman. Not to mention that the movie is cool. And Catherine Zeta-Jones is in it. *sigh*
• Conan the Barbarian :  It's true that Conan originated in books by Robert E. Howard (subject of the fine, sad film The Whole Wide World), but Conan has also enjoyed a long life at Marvel. Arnold became a star in this flick, and it really holds up over time.
• The Incredible Hulk :  The CBS pilot and some other episodes are available on video. Though not quite faithful, the pilot was fairly well-written with a good turns by Bill Bixby as "David" Banner and Lou Ferrigno as ole' Greenskin. And of course, this episode birthed one of the ultimate catch-phrases: "Don't make me angry; you wouldn't like me when I'm angry".
• The Flash :  Despite the whole Barry/Wally switch, the two-hour pilot for the TV series had great production values and one of the best screen-hero costumes ever. I really liked this series, and it can still be seen on the Sci-Fi channel from time to time.
• Batman: Sub-Zero :  It might seem redundant to keep including the original Batman animated films, but they are SO good on SO many levels that it's hard not too. Paul Dini and Bruce Timm get more pathos out of five minutes of animated Mr. Freeze than Arnold could in two unendurable hours.
• Mystery Men :  Mystery Men does what many other movies have tried to do and failed miserably: make super-heroes funny. First, thanks goes to Bob Burdon for creating the whacked-out characters, and second goes to a brilliant cast (Ben Stiller, Janeane Garofalo, William H. Macy, Kel Martin, Paul Ruebens, Hank Azaria, Wes Studi, Greg Kinnear and Geoffrey Rush). Loaded with absolutely hysterical moments, you find a new favorite line or character every time. Overall, my two faves would have to be Garofalo's terminally grumpy Bowler ("Support local music and seek out independent film!") and William H. Macy's legendarily deadpan Shoveler ("We've got a blind date with destiny and she just ordered the lobster!"). Screw the critics; I loved it.
• The Matrix :  Obviously drawing on comic influences (too obviously if you ask Grant Morrison), The Matrix kicked ass simply because it didn't treat the audience as idiots. Frankly, the reason a lot of comic flicks fail is because the Hollywood-studio-exec/business-school mentality can't grasp what makes the stuff work. Though they won't cop to it NOW, the studio was terrified of the movie before it came out; they thought they'd blown a ton of money. Hollywood thinks we're stupid, folks; you should be glad anytime a quality flick like this gets out. (Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, it doesn’t hold up as well on repeat viewings).
• Dark City :  And if I'm surprised that they didn't botch The Matrix, color me frickin' amazed that they didn't destroy this. Written by JSA and Blade scribe David S. Goyer and directed by The Crow's Alex Proyas, Dark City is a science-fiction noir classic. I expect it will get its proper credit in the years to come. Understated where other films would go for bombast, this is a sparkling work.

THE IN-BETWEEN:

• Batman Returns :  There are a lot of admirable things about Batman Returns, but I believe that they totally bungled the treatment of the Penguin. The bits with the Bruce/Batman/Selina/Catwoman dichotomies were fantastic, though. Also, several of the action sequences superceded the original. Altogether, it's a fast-paced and overall enjoyable movie, but the Penguin just bugs me.
• Batman Forever :  While there are some great moments of action (the circus scene, Val Kilmer's Batman facing off the Riddler's deathtrap at the end) and some truly funny moments (the "Hole-y rusted metal" bit killed me the first time I saw it), Joel Schumacher's fucked-up camp insanity has begun to creep in at the edges. Though it would finally explode and ruin Batman and Robin, you can see it being here with the preponderance of neon and those god-awful Bat-nipples.
• The Phantom :  I have never seen this film, and people either seem to love it or hate it. We'll just put it here.
• Flash Gordon :  This is definitely a like-it-or-hate-it flick. I'm not a big fan of camp for camp's sake, but I still find portions of it entertaining or funny. And Queen did the music.
• Buck Rogers in the 25th Century :  Almost the same as above. It does, however, have the utterly hilarious theme song by Kipp Lennon (Far beyond the world I know/far beyond my tiiiiime!).

THE WORST:

• 7) Spider-Man:  I'm talking the CBS series here. Several episodes are available on video. And though we may have fond memories of it, be honest: not good.
• 6) Superman IV: The Quest For Peace :  Dumb plot. Dumb new characters (Lenny Luthor?). Bad effects. Bad thinking. Bad movie.
• 5) Spawn:  Great FX in some places, lousy FX in others. And nothing else of note.
• 4) Captain America:  The Red Skull is not Italian. And Cap had rubber ears.
• 3) The Punisher:  If I can get a skull T-shirt for $15, why couldn't Dolph Lundgren? Retitle it, and it could have been just another direct-to-video Lundgren movie. Which it was.
• 2) Superman III:  Even worse than Superman IV, in my opinion.
• 1) Batman and Robin:  What else could it be? The Grand Champion of Crap.

THE BOOTLEG: Find these on Ebay or other websites or at conventions. Or don't.

• Fantastic Four:  You can say that Roger Corman's underlings really actually tried with this. However, hampered by a miniscule effects budget and largely inferior acting, it killed the project dead. There are moments of fun here and there, but it's hard to get through the whole thing without fast-forward. The Worst: Dr. Doom's voice being muffled by his mask. The Best: Rebecca Staab as a super-hot Susan Storm.
• JLA:  This unaired CBS pilot from about five years ago is a hapless mishmash. Trying to blend elements of the Giffen/DeMatties JLI run with other JLA runs, the team is confusing to begin with. The line-up is Martian Manhunter (good face make-up, but having David Ogden Stiers from M*A*S*H play J'onn equals gigantic martian gut), Ice (hot actress, now on Son of the Beach), Fire (admirably cast as an ethnic Brazilian), The Atom (nicely cast as nerdish professor type), The Flash (Barry Allen, but with Wally West's personality) and Green Lantern (supposedly Guy Gardner, but with Kyle's mask and Hal's reliance on big props). Written more like a cross between Friends and X-Men with CBS's always shitty production values in place, it just looks bad. The costumes absolutely suck. Strictly for curious, big-time JLA fans. And make sure you have beer handy.
• Generation X :  Based on Marvel's younger X-title, this pilot aired on Fox circa 1995. If you see it at a show, put it down and back away slowly. Except for Finola Hughes as a very good White Queen, this is complete crap.
• Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. :  Lisa Rinna as Valentina? Good idea. David Hasslehoff as Nick Fury? Bad idea. Another doomed Fox pilot.
• Captain America :  There were a couple of these in the '70s. Broadcast as CBS TV-movies, the Captains starred Reb (Uncommon Valor, Yor: The Hunter From The Future) Brown as Steve Rogers. Pretty crappy, what with the transparent shield and motorcyle helmet mask. It has a lot in common visually with the also bad (but widely available) CBS Spider-Man TV series.
• Legends of the Superheroes (The Challenge/The Roast) :  So bad they're mostly spoken of in whispers, these two separate episodes aired around 1979. Starring Adam West as Batman, Burt Ward as Robin, these abominations in the sight of all that is holy also featured Captain Marvel, Black Canary, Huntress, Green Lantern, The Flash and Hawkman versus Mordru, Sinestro, Weather Wizard, Solomon Grundy, Giganta, Dr. Sivana and The Riddler (Frank Gorshin). A wholly incredible bunch of crap, The Challenge featured Batman-TV-series-esque shenanigans as the dim-witted heroes faced the bad guys. The effects were insulting, the dialogue worse, and a LAUGH TRACK was involved. Unbelievably, The Roast sinks even lower. Set up like a '70s style Friar's Roast with host Ed McMahon (!), the heroes are "treated" to visits by various villains, Hawkman's mother, and acutely P.C. minority super-hero... GHETTO MAN. Whoever thought this up should have taken two to the back of the head and been buried in cement next to the writer and the executive that okayed it. It's shit like this that make comics look stupid to the general public.

There you have it--a fairly complete run-down. Till then, read comics; the originals are always the best.

Troy Brownfield is the Editor-In-Chief of Shotgun Reviews. He owns the Fantastic Four, the JLA pilot, and Legends of the Superheroes.  Email him at psikotyk@aol.com if you wanna do a deal.

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